|+++ by Jane|
November: snap out of it already, jeez!
December: embrace the gloom, take a deep breath, move on! Try again!
January: try again, hey ho, that October business was a blip, December probably just wasn't timed absolutely perfectly, we'll be successful this time around!
The thing is though, no success. And I'm not talking about just doing it a lot and hoping it pays off. I'm talking about the fact that I've been waking up at 7AM sharp every morning for the past six months so that the first thing I can do is chart my basal body temperature. I chart the hell out of that mofo. Oh, and not to get all super TMI here, but neither of us has a super high sex drive, which makes things even worse, since you basically have to schedule these things juuuust so. (Well, we have to schedule things. Not to be bitter or anything, but apparently you don't need to try this hard if you're 16.) And of course, the other main issue with charting is that by its very nature, you have to obsess. I mean you really, really have to obsess. Over all sorts of things, not just that first morning temperature either. Things like mucus. (I know, right?) And of course, if you're obsessing (because you have to) every morning at 7AM sharp, it's hard to turn off the obsession. It's simply not that easy to wake up, have the first thing you think about every day for six months be chart-temperature-maybe-babies soon how are things going body??!! , and then turn off the obsession for the rest of the day.
So you obsess and obsess and get no success which means you have to obsess even more. And in obsessing over charts, I'm starting to wonder, is it me? Is it because my luteal phase is shorter than average that this isn't working? Because internets, let me tell you, everything was looking textbook-perfectly-triphasic this month, right up until ten days after ovulation, when BAM, luteal phase was over, temperature dropped, done. What the hell, body? Ten days is barely enough to get things rolling. Apparently short luteal phases can cause miscarriages.
Okay, and before I go further, I know plenty of people will say well once we stopped obsessing, boom, babies happened! That's wonderful for some people. For others though, it's just not that easy; If I have a short luteal phase, ceasing the obsession won't exactly help me. Doing nothing will, in fact, do the opposite of good. Ignoring the possibly underlying maybe-infertility issue could, in fact, make things worse...
So now I have another thing to obsess about: do we continue trying, knowing that if it IS a short luteal phase issue any possible pregnancy success is super low and could just result in another miscarriage (cue more heartbreak, more waiting)? Or do I just get in contact with the doctor now and look like I'm crazy, because I'm only 25 (Patrick is 27), and we have "plenty of time"? Because the thing is, yes, we're young, but there are other factors to consider (professional ones and familial ones) that all in all make this something that would be so much better done sooner rather than later. I realize we've only been trying for six months, but the miscarriage throws one wrench into things, the short luteal phase is another red flag for that, and all in all, it sure would be nice if having babies could just happen to us, like it seems to happen to plenty of people. And I know that of all the infertility issues people could have that a short luteal phase defect (ugh, how does the word "defect" make you feel anything other than bad about yourself?) is at least fairly correctable. Of course, if it is that, and I do get pregnant, now I'd just get to feel massively guilty and responsible if anything at all happened to cause another miscarriage. All the while, of course, while other people are having babies, and asking us when we're going to have babies.
I tried shrugging off one comment by gently saying "We tried last month and it didn't work out..." and some people are really dense. "Well you have to try more than once! Har har!"
Yeah, when people deflect and defer such comments, take a hint and realize they really might be having issues.
So that's where I stand right now. Frustrated and feeling a little more bitter each cycle. Not towards anyone in particular. Just towards my body, because it is failing me. And like I said, I know on the fertility-issues scale, I have it pretty good. If it's what I think it is, then it's not an instant this-won't-ever-work verdict. But it doesn't mean I don't feel pretty rotten.