Monday, May 21, 2012

Abyss of the disheartened no kidding

abyss of the disheartened : IV by Heather Landis

Every so often Patrick and I have little detox venting sessions on our back balcony.  They usually go something like this:

-Heavy sigh
-List of reasons why this is all unfair (we are young; both come from historically big families; we are good people?)
-List of reasons why we need things to happen sooner rather than later (ridiculous US FMLA/leave regulations that leave me potentially stranded in this job for "fear" of getting pregnant and needing the benefits and not wanting to get a new job that wouldn't give me those until being with the new place for a year; aging parents; etc)
-Heavy sigh
-List of stupid things people say, list of stupid things we say, list of stupid things we feel (with all of our friends having babies, are we missing the "baby train" within our little community?  No.  I guess not.  But it feels that way.); frustrations of this turning into the elephant in the room
-Finish drinks

What do you say when a friend (doesn't read this blog, at least I don't think so -- and if she does, I love her very much and she knows that) says in response to your disheartened infertility frustrations that she would happily carry a kid for you if you couldn't do it?  Because it is a lovely sweet thing to say.  But how do you reply carefully that the idea of that being my option is devastating to me.  Not personally, but situationally.  It's not just wanting a kid -- it's wanting having a baby myself.  Just me and my husband.  Not me, my husband, and my friend.  And I know lots of people, particularly in the GLBT community, have to do things that way.  But I feel like at least that's understood when you have a relationship that's same-sex -- from the getgo I guess you sort of know that if kids are going to happen it's going to be atypical (???).  With me, that's a big psychological U-turn to approach -- I'm not there yet, but I don't want to get there.

Nothing personal.  But I don't want this to be a community event.

And how do you explain that we cannot "just adopt" ($$$$$) (also, sociological/emotional ramifications of all parties involved = big, big undertaking) -- and that I don't know if I could ever be emotionally tough enough for fostering (I grew up knowing people who went that route and it looked like a never-ending emotional and legal battle  Nobody wants to say that because I guess it could be construed as saying "I don't know if I'd be a good parent" but that's not it -- I don't know if I'd be a good foster parent, just thinking about my own self -- could I love somebody and risk losing them every day?  Could I foster/adopt knowing there's potentially a parent out there who wants them?  And of course, we come back to the problem of being young.  From reading, I don't know if we'd even be eligible to adopt right now.  If we'd be passed over.

Invasive infertility treatments?  I don't think my insurance would cover it.  And we don't even have the recommended three months of living expenses in savings -- we certainly can't blow that all on a chancey treatment.

I think part of the trouble is finding people my age who are also going through this IRL.  My groups of friends can be put into these boxes:
-Single/casual relationship peeps/people not anywhere near kidlet-having
-Married people having babies*
-People who have kids

While this is all fine and dandy, it's hard to find people in the same situation.  I can certainly talk about it with other people, but it's not...the same, I guess, is what I'm trying to say?

Part of the problem in finding others is that it's not something people talk about.  There are tons of people who don't know we're going through this -- it creates this problem of what we perceive to be stupid questions (you guys having kids soon?? Better get on that!  Gotta try more than once!), even when the people asking don't know because we haven't shared.  And because we're young (25/28) I think we're a smaller subset in our peer group than we would be if we were 35/38.

In short, it's kind of lonely.  (Online peeps going through this stuff, ILU.  Thank goodness for the internet.)

On the bright side, if I do get pregnant one of these months, the longer it takes the more likely it'll be to have a kid not in winter.  I like throwing outdoor parties so this is a Serious Timing Concern.  ;)

* I am super stoked for this.  I think it's really hard to convey that a) I am sincerely happy for people and excited to tickle baby toes because HELLO BABY FEETS and b) I'm going through my own issues that make me self-absorbed about my own frustrations baby-wise and c) B does not negate A or make my happiness less than sincere.


  1. Ahgh. I hate this shit so much. SO MUCH. It is really hard and I am sorry, and every month that goes by gets more and more devastating. From December to mid- March I cried rather hysterically pretty much every single day, and all the hopeful thoughts in the world couldn't comfort me. After trying, and loosing for a year I had reached my saturation level. OF COURSE you want your own children, and OF COURSE you want to carry them you self, and OF COURSE you want to smack people when they say stupid shit to you.

    BUT there are a lot of positives and as much as possible you have to hang on to them. One IS that you're young - another is that you know that you can conceive, another is that you know about the short luteal phase, which is a sucky yet easily fixed issue & you're working on fixing it, and finally, from what I can remember you haven't had a ful year of trying to conceive since your miscarriage, so a doctor would probably tell you that you that you shouldn't be worried yet. You shouldn't be ready for your best friend to carry your baby for you, because probably there isn't going to be a reason for her to do that.

    I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse Hayley, I'm hoping maybe a little better because as you know you and I have real similar issues at play here (though dude I TOTALLY understand if not), but it looks as though we've got there. Maybe. Possibly. We have a 13 week scan tomorrow & we've already heard a heartbeat, and we are hopeful. We got there doing all of the same stuff that you're doing. It didn't happen right away: I was worked on upping my progesterone for months before it happened, but it did eventually happen.

    I really think that it will happen for you too, it's just obviously taking longer than is comfortable. As much as you can, try to be patient with yourself, because you are still very much within the normal range for couples trying to conceive. I hope that is a comforting thought (becasue it's true!) and not just another dick head thing to say. Lots and lots of hugs to you both because this stuff is so very hard, and people don't really get it unless they've been through it. xxoo

    1. Oh it makes me feel much better! I was REALLY REALLY really hoping that was what you were hinting at on your blog/twitter recently. :) :) :) Hooray! I know you've been going through the ringer with this like crazy.

      And yeah -- I think it's just very hard for people to relate to if they haven't really gone through it for an extended (it's been a year of trying, but not a year since the miscarriage -- after this month if it's another negarino, then we've been told to schedule an infertility counseling/checkup session) period of time. I do think it'll happen and I think it's frustrating for me because when I have people tell me all my other options I get irritated because I DO think it'll happen for me, and I really don't want to consider other options, which on one hand makes me feel like I'm being unrealistic but on the other hand makes me feel... belligerent? Like NO I DON'T want these other options, people! It's complicated.

      I am thinking so many good things for you. :)

  2. So...because I am a lame friend and have not read your blogs or talked with you in ages, I apologize that I didn't realize you have been going through all this. *HUGS* I have, however, been thinking about you a lot lately and wondering why I have not really taken the time to find out how you are doing. Obviously I don't know your exact details, but I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    You are definitely not alone in this, nor alone in your age group that want to have kids but are struggling to either get pregnant, or keep pregnant. I have quite a few 'young' friends who are struggling with this exact issue right now. It's frustrating and emotional and difficult all the way around. Especially when so many seem to be getting knocked up without trying and being flippant and annoyed about it. At least it seemed that way to me!

    I tried for a full year before I used Clomid to conceive Brynna and it was freeking forEVER! I did not have to endure a miscarriage and I am so sorry you have had that happen. :( It is not an easy thing or anything lightly dismissed. But though it was a long wait and I asked myself constantly, "Why Me? Why not?" and all those thoughts...I did end up being able to have babies and am now looking back and realizing that the experience gave me a lot of empathy for anyone who goes through this, and the wait (in retrospect) led to the 'right' timing for me. It's such a unique and difficult to explain pain to anyone who has not had fertility issues.

    I have a really good friend here who has endured seven miscarriages and was despairing she would ever be able to take a baby to term. She was also considering adoption but really, really wanted to have her own baby and we have all just been praying there is a way for that to be. She is expecting and has only a few months to go now...and every time I see her I am just so, so worried about her and the baby. Her struggle has been so bitter and having experienced only a small amount of 'waiting' myself, I know it's so much more rough than I have ever had, but I am grateful she has shared the struggle with me so I can try to be there. So I thank you for sharing your feelings too, even if I am late in realizing it.

    I know there's nothing I can do to physically ease this struggle for you, but I want you to know I'm praying for you, sending good vibes and hoping you know I'm wishing I could just make it better! I hope this doesn't come out as 'old-lady' annoying and preachy and all that...I just hold you as a dear one in my heart and am hoping for the best for you. *HUGS*

    1. Ack, I missed this comment as it got lost in the mod queue for some reason. Thanks, dear Hobbit. It's definitely been one reason why I've been kind of absent on Facebook and LJ/online in general, aside from the blog/Twitter, because I don't want to talk about kids on Facebook because FB is just a total, total landmine. I've kind of been hunkering down a bit. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

      It's definitely a struggle, in part because it seems to strain everything (not marriage-wise, just life-stress-wise). The first round of Clomid failed, so we'll have to wait and try again not this month but next month, since this month med-taking would coincide with vacation, and nooooooo thanks to having side-effects while camping and having planned-for-months fun if I don't *have* to. In a way, since we've been trying for close to a year and a half now, the "Good Timing" boat has already sailed; all timing from here on out seems pretty equally inconvenient, so now it's just the having-patience aspect that's maddening. (That and the whole maybe-this-is-happening-for-genetic-reasons worrying. FUN.)

      I'm sure your friend is worried sick herself. :(

      You're right, it's *very* hard to articulate this stuff to people who haven't experienced any of it, in part because they probably want to say something helpful, but frequently it may not come across that way, and instead may seem blase, you know?

      Anyway -- thank you for this comment, and I apologize for being lame and not noticing that it ended up moderated for some reason!