|Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind - Movie Poster by Joel Amat Güell|
We're taking a bit of a break. A break to take vacation, a break to gather our wits and finances a little*. The first round of Clomid didn't work, and unfortunately the stars aren't aligning for the next month to be a viable option for being more aggressive, due to a planned-for-months vacation that falls directly on the days I'd be taking a higher dose of headache-inducing meds, plus other things planned for this month which are simply non-negotiable (not bad thing, just things that can't be changed). In a way, it's just aggravating to go through all the trouble of carefully dancing around family and friends this last go-around since things had to be timed just-so, and everything overlapped with my family/graduation shindig out of town. We felt like badasses. We were like, we DID it, we managed THAT, gooooo team, but of course, it's once again all for naught.
Despite that bit of dreariness, there is some real good in this turn of longer-road events. This month, we're flat-out taking a break and living like normal couples instead of people tied to a schedule and 7AM sharp morning temperatures and headache-inducing meds/accompanying shot/ultrasound. We need some breathing room anyway. Some time to adjust. At this point, we're settling in -- it's been 16 months, it's time for a breather. The Good Timing ship (The Good Ship Timing, I guess?) has already sailed, which in a way eases things up. There's no pressure from ourselves that If It Doesn't Work This Month That's Bad. Whatever bad-timing dominos any good news would topple over are all just gravy. We'll have our third wedding anniversary next May sans any addition at this point; friends are all having babies and they may pass the infant or even toddler stages before we ever get one to share the fun (they may even lap us, who knows); we're just going to have to keep making sure nobody close to us steals the names we want someday (though if they do, we'll just use 'em anyway); if job situations change, we'll roll with it. If people nudge, if people lap us, it's just part of the way things are. Maybe I've reached Begrudging Acceptance that there are plumbing issues and they clearly won't be resolved with one wave of a wand. Honestly though at this point, neither of us were really holding onto any "I wonder if it worked" thoughts this go-around, so we aren't even that upset.
So this month, we're just going to bide our time and wait until the calendar works in our favor more, and we have more cash, since that's really what this all takes. Cash and fortitude and a total comfort level with a lot of people knowing your business, because having some social support is becoming increasingly important. I'm going to try to incorporate a Clean Slate mentality from here -- 16 months, then 17 months...they can't become part of an endless tally in the chalkboard of my head. I know, I know, in the IF Olympics, that's nothing. That's barely any time. But like so many people, you go in thinking it'll take X amount of time, and it doesn't, and then there are issues, and suddenly even though comparatively you know you're not that bad off, it's still a bunch of tallies. IF messes with your head. So the plan: Take a break. Have some wine. Have some more wine. Have some whines. Save some money. Breathe. Watch some comfort movies (see poster above). Buy some BPAL. Do it if we feel like it, or not.**
So yes, while this break is mostly not by 100% choice, I kind of think it would have been a good thing to put on the table regardless of the calendar.
*We're not broke -- it's why we have housemates (which my friend Lauren and I are going to write about soon here) -- but ART is expensive, y'all
**This is not some "if we stop trying then it will happen" attempt.