Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Kudzu and Little Wishes (Or, How Things Turned Into Crazy Town Over Here)

I have a bunch of posts written that are just sitting in my queue mostly because when I read them over, they come across as upset and dismal.  So I'm just going to write this and hope that it comes across as funny, because at this point, it's either angry-sob or chuckle-fest-time.

So, I'm taking Clomid now, which adds a layer of doctor monitoring to the festival of non-fertility that happens to be my life.  This means that, in addition to having to involve doctors in this whole process, and the general longing and frustration that goes with the complete not-knowing of when things will eventually happen, one also cannot plan things too far in advance, because a) who knows if my cycle will change due to medications screwing around with it and b) monitoring is time-sensitive which means if some Sunday morning I have to go to the RE, that's it, that Sunday morning I have to go the RE.  And one cannot know the time of one's appointment until the day before.  It's just how their scheduling rolls.  And I get it.  I get that Clomid monitoring is less time sensitive than other procedures that they might need to do, so I can't get in line before others.  But it's still pretty sucky.  That vacation we want to take in October?  Hope it doesn't fall during a time I have to be monitored.  That whitewater rafting trip scheduled for this Saturday that was a co-initiated idea between me and a few others?  Totally up in the air for me -- since I have to be monitored that morning.  If I get lucky and they follow through with their promise to try to get me in and out in the morning?  Then hooray!  I get to raft!  If they bump me to later in the day?  Then I'm screwed, and end up being That Person to everyone else who's locked in for rafting.  (And I might have to pay $60 anyway.  To not raft.)  I write all this not to complain (at least, not only to complain), but to also lead up to the fiasco that will be this weekend, because all that actually seems pretty benign and easy to roll with than the situation that I've gotten myself into.  You'd think this was an episode of I Love Lucy.

So this magical weekend.  This is where it gets funny.  In a ha ha oh dear god sort of way.

Patrick starts his master's program this weekend (also in liberry science).  He has to attend a four-day orientation session this Friday-Saturday-Sunday-Monday.  This orientation session is two hours away.  Now, the original plan was for me to head over there on Sunday since my graduation ceremony from that program is that evening.

But with monitoring, who knows.  Because if the doctor says "Yep, no crazy quintuplet potential there, go for it" (in a manner of speaking), then Saturday I'm going to have to drive myself over to meet him at the hotel and you'd think this would all be well and sassy except OH WAIT he's not staying at a hotel, he's staying at his sister's house.  And his parents might be there already.  Staying in the one guest bedroom.

Yep, this is definitely, definitely the romantic scenario we once envisioned for ourselves.  (Hint: that is a joke.  We did not actually envision having to awkwardly mess around like teenagers during a family function.  Near everyone.  In possibly the only guest bed that his parents are sleeping in.*)

So we run through our list of possible options:

A.  Get a hotel room.  Doesn't Work Because: if we were to actually get a hotel, everyone would feel bad and then his parents would no doubt try to get the hotel for themselves and we'd still be at his sister's, OR we'd get a hotel room for ourselves, but everyone would still feel guilty and we'd have to talk about this more than we want to with our parents because that's just not that fun.  Also, that just seems like wasting money.

B.  Okay, maybe the RE won't even say to go for it.  Maybe we're just running through scenarios that won't even be necessary!  Oh god are we wishing for this to NOT work now?!  We are crazy.

C.  Run off somewhere to some woods in the hills.  Doesn't Work Because: I'm job-searching and the last thing I need is to get caught and get a ticket like some teenager and have to explain THAT on applications when I want to work with young adults.  Basically I'd never get hired if I showed up on some Indecent registry.  So, uh, no.  No no no.  (I'm taking a risk just blogging about it as it is.  Dear potential employer: I am quite nice!  I am also quite knowledgeable about youth services, particularly graphic novels and programming, and I'm a real go-getter.)

D.  Cornfield behind his sister's house.  Doesn't Work Because: well actually this is seeming more like a viable option every day, which pretty much confirms that we are completely crazy.  Downside: ticks.  Among other things.  Mostly things like Being In A Cornfield, God.  Check that.  This is not viable.

E.  Guest room.  Looking more and more like the most viable option every minute.

F.  Car.  HAH.  I have a Chevy Aveo hatchback.  It's pretty much the same thing as a Geo Metro.  Also see C.

So, E's looking pretty good right now.

See, it's great when you think, well, it didn't work this month, so we'll just hang out and bide our time and enjoy being a young couple with dogs and a house and gardens, except this shit totally takes over your life.  It takes over your calendar, it takes over your family events, it is the kudzu of garden variety problems.


"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"

You said it, 2005 Death Cab for Cutie song (not to be confused with the Kudzu song up there -- don't worry, you didn't miss something).  "I really like the idea of a plan not being seen as having definite outcomes, but more like little wishes," said Ben Gibbard, when remarking on the Plans album.  So, little wishes. Little wishes.  That's what this is all about.  And definite outcomes.  Those too.

*I love my entire extended family, by the way.  They are great.  It's nothing personal.  


  1. This baby was made in Aidan's office. I was at the gym - finally at long last discovered fertile quality CM, called A and said that we needed to get down to business fast before it all dried up, and he had just gotten into work. So after confirming that his office door had a lock on it, I gave him 15 minutes to think about weather or not he wanted to go all the way back home (an hour's walk) OR if I should just drop by his office real quick so we could take care of business. It was the least romantic, most uncomfortable, un-sexy, and silliest sexy-time experience of our five years together, - but it got the job done. Hopefully your awkward situation will make for an equally successful result.

    1. Hey, if silly and uncomfortable will get the job done, then one's gotta do what one's gotta do, but damn does this stuff turn people crazy or what? :P

    2. um yes. I was cray all the way- as you know.

  2. I offer you sympathy and good wishes for a relatively short trip to crazy town.

  3. You could always try the inflatable car bed
    and auto curtains?

    I know this sounds silly but I'm pretty sure legally the inside of your car is considered private property, and as long as no one can see in, it can't be considered indecent exposure...