|Dan McCarthy: silence is golden|
I checked my Google reader subscriber number the other day and noticed that it jumped from 11 to 25 almost overnight (not that I check every day -- it could have been over a few weeks, really, but in my head, that's a big jump!). So, hello robots and/or new readers! Sometimes I talk about libraries and books, and sometimes I talk about infertility. The two go together like Queens and Corgis, because I say so.
The Clomid + IUI combo didn't work. I didn't really think it would since those don't have a huge high success rate, but it's still a little stab of pain nonetheless. Nothing to write home about, beyond a "damn." On one hand, sure, it's
Having to be in the midst of a life crisis that is ongoing, always there, always a part of everything, and then having to consciously step away from treatment is not easy. Being in the midst of a life crisis with my husband is hard, but the idea that in a little over a week I'm going to a) still be in the midst of this life crisis and b) will be away from my husband and c) will not be doing anything to change the life crisis status... well, it's a little maddening. Not in a I'm-going-to-cry sort of way, just in a long-drawn-out-sigh sort of way. I also don't know what type of insurance I'm going to have, so all of the decisions we made previously are up for change too, since those were based on the coverage options we had with my job.
I found a support group that's just forming in my new city for infertility (it meets in one of the library branches, win? Or lose because it outs me to my employer -- that is if future coworkers aren't already reading, hello internet people), and the idea of going to it alone, sans a partner, is just kind of a huge super extra downer. Again, I know, in the Pain Olympics, I'm not up for any medals (although the whole living-with-a-pregnant-housemate thing is, I think, completely ridiculous). We have a general end-point of this separation, provided we rent out the house. One of us isn't going overseas to Iraq. I haven't been on the IF Train very long, comparatively. I haven't even hit the two year mark yet. I'm like some IF baby (har har). On one hand, I don't want to go, seeming like the new kid on the block in so many ways, but on the other hand, finding peers dealing with this IRL is next to impossible.
So I need a group, because without even my husband around to understand, having some IRL people who Get It and who won't tell me "Stop stressing/Have you considered adoption?" (I get this All. The. Time.) seems necessary. I hate that there's this idea in society that it's all about stress and it's clearly someone doing something wrong as the reason it's not working. It all stems from the fact that it's still a taboo topic. I'm not falling apart over here or anything (aside from the fact that this stuff can drive you a little bonkers -- 'What if I'm not conventionally pretty because from an evolutionary standpoint I'm like a clear signal to potential mates to avoid me but somehow someone stupidly liked me anyway?!' one might wonder, stupidly, in a fit of the same self-consciousness that plagues so many women on the planet). But starting friendships and leaping straight into "Oh, hey, I've been going through this big life thing that's really hard and also it's something that makes people uncomfortable because it's all about sex!" isn't really the smartest move all the time. So, seeking out specific IF people, here I go. (That paragraph was weird.)
This is kind of a you made your bed now lie in it sort of situation, and I'm genuinely happy for the career move, because it's doing what I love, and even when medical things exist, time marches on. At the end of the day, I can't make life decisions based on this stuff (we did that when we bought a house thinking we'd have a kid, hoo-boy, bad decision, lesson learned, exams taken, Bachelor of Bad Decision Science earned). I have to make decisions assuming a family won't necessarily be a part of 2013, or 2014. Life keeps going. I'm a young person just starting her professional post-Master's career, and I have to do the things that one does with that. The painted ponies go up and down, blah blah. The idea of stagnating is always scary to me. I would rather do something scary that changes everything than do the same thing forever and ever. But the desire for a total change, while a sincere desire, is still scary nonetheless.
I'm pretty much just killing time between now and when I pack up and move on the 4th. Thoughts ramble around in my head like a rock tumbler. Clunk clunk. That, and I'm stocking up on some new librarian cardigans, because hey, new job, new cardigans. I am nothing if not a stereotype in that regard. And now that Patrick won't be around to stop me, I might buy a sweater for Neville. HAH.