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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

It.

Aurora by Christine Lindstrom


"It wouldn't be so bad if...."
"It wouldn't be so bad"
"It wouldn't be so"
"It wouldn't be"
"It wouldn't."
"It."
"It."
"It."
"It."
"It."
"It."
"It."
"It."
"It."




Even if everything were going right, even if we didn't have to work our Saturday IUI around a family funeral in Rhode Island*, even if I weren't taking meds that get less effective with each round and have an expiration so that a cycle where we have to skip suddenly is a bigger lost chance than just tacking on more waiting, even if we knew all the why's and not just a vague possible male factor diagnosis at best, even if we didn't have to rent out our spare room to a surprise-pregnant couple to afford infertility treatment for ourselves, even if there'd never been a miscarriage, even if everything were smooth relative sailing, It would still exist.  Would still be Hard.  All of these Wouldn't Be So Bad If's XYZ exist for everyone, right?  I just have to keep telling myself that my XYZ is someone else's ABC.  We all have these Wouldn't Be So Bad If's.  Logically, I know this.  Logically, I cringe at writing another blub-post here.  So often I feel like a blog leech, blubbing here, and not supporting other bloggers and commenting as much as I'd like about their ABCs, as often as I think about them in my head (with warmth).  I used to be a better online friend.  Hell, more importantly, I used to be a better In Real Life friend.  I have bowed out of helping with things I wanted to help with, neglected texting people back, forgotten that hey, I should see how soandso is doing with their issue, forgotten who needs an ear.  It's something I'm working on, acting like a human and not a bitter unpleasant person.  Because god knows I know people going through so much worse.  I don't think I win the Pain Olympics.  Not even close.

I'd still like some of my Wouldn't Be So Bad If's to magic themselves away and leave me with the simple It, the simple IF.  I could handle It.  IF.  I swear, Universe.  I'm handling all this, still chugging along, but it'd be kind of nice not to.

There's this pivitol line in How I Met Your Mother (I know, this current season is awful), stated by a character I never really liked, but the statement is so pinpoint perfect for my situation:

Stella to Ted: "I know you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more, but she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can."

And I just want that she -- that resolution, a simple good thing -- to get here soon, to get here as fast as it can.  It would help.

Also, I have a big interview tomorrow.

*It was "funny" when we had to jostle Clomid/injections with a grad school orientation and a grad school graduation (his/mine) with staying at his sister's house.  This is not that kind of funny.  This is just awful, in a "Our schedule for the day reads: Get "sexy" aka Produce; Get catheter; Get IUI-ed; Drive 10 hours to a funeral" way.  Like pulling this sort of thing off wasn't mentally difficult enough.  I'd like to say that was a joke.  Har har.  Except it was funny before, and now it so, so is not.  And yet, even when thinking, "How will we mentally get through that day?" we know we will, because that's what you do: push through.

4 comments:

  1. Oh - gosh it isn't easy is it? I thought I had it bad timing iui's and injections around flat moves and work deadlines but a funeral? That's another league. Good luck for Saturday, I know the mental arithmetic well.

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  2. You write as many blub posts as you need to. This shit is awful. Pain isn't a competition and you don't need to feel worse about feeling so bad all of the time. It IS bad. Even though there are worse things - that's not the shit you're going through right now. You're going through this shit - and it is real, and it is horrible, and it is lonely, and it makes you feel like the whole world is just a fucking mirror reflecting back a reality where everyone effortlessly gets the one thing that you want. It sucks. Don't feel bad about saying that it sucks as many times as you need to. Hugs sweetie, and I'm so sorry, and I really hope this works for you soon soon soon.

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  3. Don't ever feel bad for venting. Yes everyone's got problems, but everyone should be able to vent too, and everyone has times where they feel so challenged by the day to day that they let things they'd like to do more (lending an ear, txting a friend, etc) slip away. Don't drown in all the can'ts, just concentrate on accomplishing the cans-- one step at a time, it'll get better, it'll get easier <3 I'm sorry to hear about your family's loss. If you need anything, LMK.

    PS: i didnt realize the IUI medicine became less effective the more it was used. sounds very frustrating. *hugs*

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  4. There will always be someone who has it worse. That in no way makes what you're going through any easier. I had no idea that Clomid gets less effective over time. I wish like hell you didn't need to know facts such as those. I know that I have absolutely no idea what you're going through, but please know that I have willing ears.

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