Sunday, November 18, 2012

Little flags

I'm trying to steal little pieces of joy where I can.  Little flags to hold onto in my heart.  The incoming holiday season is usually something that makes me giddy because I love giving gifts to people (and I mean LOVE) and throwing my annual party where people meet (some friends knew each other, some didn't, the mix was always different) then pick names from a hat and everyone's got an hour to go out, buy a present, and come back to exchange them.  This season just feels like shit.  It's our second holiday season in which we thought we'd be planning to be parents/be parents by now.  Last year was raw as our plans to announce during Thanksgiving fell apart, and then Thanksgiving itself ended up being a family argument about when life begins.  This year is just kind of a haze of "wait, why are we going through this again?"

I don't like entering the season feeling lousy about it.  I'm jealous of my faraway friends who will be celebrating the holiday with new babies.  Jealous in a "why not us, too, Universe?" sort of way.  Jealous and sad, dammit.  Between being three hours apart from my partner in all of this, approaching the holidays, and losing infertility insurance coverage, I'm kind of a crankypants holiday grinch and it's not even Thanksgiving.  (That is, a crankypants holiday grinch in my head.  I'm so, so happy to have a job that I'm happy to walk to each morning.  Seriously.  My career mental health feels a trillion times better than a month ago.  I would buy the library a coke, if I could.  If there's one good thing in the moving away, it's that I moved away for a damn good job.)

The thing is, when all is said and done, I love the holidays (I mean who possibly really truly absolutely doesn't, without a reasonable reason?) and I'm trying so hard not to let this get to me, even while I wrestle with the feeling that, so what if it gets to me, that's called being human, self.  I need to figure out what's going to make things better for me.  Do I get a tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree for just myself and Neville, or do I just go without?  Do I drive back to RVA for any parties?  Do I buy extra marshmallows for my cocoa?  Do I watch Love, Actually a hundred extra times or two hundred to warm the cockles of my heart?  What little flags of happy can I pin up?

  • Job
  • Berks book club continuing with IRL friends via Goodreads
  • Ability to walk to work in the morning
  • Ability to have work-desk delivery service for my library holds
  • Dog park nearby where I met a girl and her Corgi BUTTERS, which is the name Patrick and I decided on should we ever get another Corgi, so clearly we need to be friends (I got her number, wutwut)
  • There are *two* NPR stations here, one of which is all-day talk, so Terry Gross* and I have dinner a lot
  • I can still eventually (when we actually start dealing with the issue again) deduct infertility costs from taxes as medical costs, even if we pay a lot more upfront, I think

There are good things.  I just have to actively catch them.

(Aside: here, have two more Roanoke photos.)

*I finally figured out a person I think I look like.  I think I look like a young Terry Gross, I think?  That makes me feel happy with myself.  Little flag!

(That photo of me makes my eyes look weird, but it's a glasses thing.  This blog post should end now, shouldn't it?)


  1. Hugs to you. I totally feel you.... I normally LOVE the holidays and everything they involve: I love cooking, love decorating, love preparing gifts for everyone, love inviting friends and family, love baking cookies, and love playing a CD with my favorite xmas song (up on the house top), but this year, I don't want the season to come cause it means *another* *year* *passed* and we are still in the same place.
    I am extremely sorry that you lost infertility insurance... I really hope when you start again, it will work (or maybe you will get a "miracle" baby without treatment... it is always possible.
    ANyhow, I am with you on enjoying the little drops of joy life throws at us everyday. I think you should totally get a small tree (I just saw one and I think I might as well do the same), and you should also get that hot chocolate and watch a marathon of christmas movies when the time comes.
    Also, congratulations on the great job :)

  2. Wow you deff look like Terry Gross! As for the rest - these anniversaries are so hard, especially when they fall close to the holidays. boo. I'm really sorry that this has been so hard, and hoping that it will all be sorted for you guys soon. I'm glad you're finding some things to be glad about and enjoying your job! The rest will get better. I can feel it. You deserve it. So hard.