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Thursday, February 14, 2013

7 years

under our quilt by Mirtle

This week marks my 7-year dating anniversary with Patrick.  I'm pretty damn lucky -- yeah, almost 2 of our almost 3 years of marriage have been spent dealing with and defined by this IF and endless family-building scenarios, but while 2/3 is kind of "well blah" feeling, 2/7 is actually pretty good.  

It's funny though.  We're reading through a couple different books on some topics, and one keeps mentioning how infertility could make you really distant from your partner, and maybe full of anger, or bad feelings, or really poor coping skills, and those things need to be worked through.  As I read it aloud, we kind of looked at each other like "bzuh?" because we have found the exact opposite to be true.  We had good communication prior to all this -- and this entire business has strengthened that core.  We're not angry at each other.  Or even the world.  At this point, almost 2 years in, we're past the initial grief, we're not angry anymore really, (and there was a lot of "WHY NOT US" anger, believe me) and we're at a point of acceptance that whatever a family looks like for us, we're going to have to come to it the really hard way.  We can turn the "why not us" into "we were made for this".  We can goddamn try to spin that straw into gold.

We talked for a long time about putting a chunk of our upcoming tax return towards diagnostics/treatment, but that's not really our plan anymore.  We've got family to talk to a bit soon, and then we'll start more officially moving forward with our plans.  I know, I know, BEING OBTUSE BUT PROBABLY OBVIOUS.  But we have student loan debt to consider, along with a mortgage, and while we have really awesome credit, we want to be wise with the way we get into debt.  And gambling is low on the list of Wants, particularly when one -- one -- IVF attempt is $10,000 -- not counting various doctor appointments, probably driving 4 hours to/back daily to the clinic people around here have used...all for a chance, a gamble, a game that could so easily be lost.  

I may not ever figure out what the problem is.  

Okay.

Yeah, of course I'm angry at our capitalist health care system that means this really does come down to "either/or" and "finding out my/his/our problem is not feasible financially for us if we want to pursue other options too".  I'm not angry at biology failing us, but I'm sure as hell angry that what comes between me and finding out what's medically/biologically wrong takes money, and that fixing it costs more.  America, I'm sure as hell mad at you.  (I'm mad at the commercialization of fertility clinics too.  And adoption barriers.)  Mad at biology, no.  Mad at the system, hell yeah.  But that's a different kind of anger -- it's a philosophical anger, in place of a deeply-felt physical anger.  I feel philosophical anger all the time.  But gut-felt anger is different, and to me, that's the negative type of feeling I'm tired of.

So okay.  Enough of it.  I'm just letting that anger go.  yay

Despite all this -- the last 7 years have been wonderful.  Brilliant.  And I am so very, very lucky for that.  Lucky, even for the past 2 years.  Lucky that we found out we could go through Hard Shit and be really, really okay together.  Lucky that some things we feared would happen didn't happen, even while some things we hoped for didn't either.  Now I just need some boatloads more luck for the road ahead.

4 comments:

  1. Hugs to you. We have been together for 5 years, and actually we don't know if we should celebrate our dating anniversary on February 10 or February 14 as Mark visited me from the 10-14 Febr. but we made it official the last day.
    Like you we have been married almost 3 years, and 2 out of 3 have been dealing with IF. I have to say I have been very angry (the boy not so much). Angry at the universe. At me. At my body. At his body. At Science for NOT KNOWING. At the whole situation.
    But like you this has brought us closer (even if at some point my way of coping was constantly ranting against my broken body and when I was done with that I started *jokingly* (in a very dark humour kind of joking) blaming it on is body. That's when I realized it all had to stop. The anger was harming everyone and not helping the least bit. If anything it was making me sadder and I did not want to spiral down that dark hole.
    Like you now I accept that this is our path, that our path is different, that we don't even know how the story ends, but amidst all of it we have decided, learnt that we will make it, no matter what, and we are very very aware of our blessings... of the important stuff.

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    1. I wrote a long reply, but then Firefox ate it, so here's the short version!

      The not knowing is hard, and for me, the knowledge that simply *trying* to know (not even *fix*) the problem(s) poses, to me, a potential slippery slope. Say yes to finding x out, then you have to do y, then z comes along, and by then, it's like, welp, we already got THIS far, might as well keep going, and soon, all of our potential adoption money would be gone. So I'm very apprehensive at this point of going further down the fertility clinic route, especially when the one a lot of people swear by around here is 2 hours away since I'm more rural than I was. Not knowing SUCKS. The one thing I *am* happy about with the not knowing is that Patrick and I have both gone through feeling like the one "at fault", but then later test results and things seem to indicate all seems well, so we're at a point where we truly don't know where the problem or problemS is/are. Not knowing is so, so hard -- many hugs.

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  2. Yay for 7 years! And for tax returns and for moving forward...

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    1. Thanks! :) I feel like that Joni song, the painted ponies going up and down and all that.

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