|under our quilt by Mirtle|
This week marks my 7-year dating anniversary with Patrick. I'm pretty damn lucky -- yeah, almost 2 of our almost 3 years of marriage have been spent dealing with and defined by this IF and endless family-building scenarios, but while 2/3 is kind of "well blah" feeling, 2/7 is actually pretty good.
It's funny though. We're reading through a couple different books on some topics, and one keeps mentioning how infertility could make you really distant from your partner, and maybe full of anger, or bad feelings, or really poor coping skills, and those things need to be worked through. As I read it aloud, we kind of looked at each other like "bzuh?" because we have found the exact opposite to be true. We had good communication prior to all this -- and this entire business has strengthened that core. We're not angry at each other. Or even the world. At this point, almost 2 years in, we're past the initial grief, we're not angry anymore really, (and there was a lot of "WHY NOT US" anger, believe me) and we're at a point of acceptance that whatever a family looks like for us, we're going to have to come to it the really hard way. We can turn the "why not us" into "we were made for this". We can goddamn try to spin that straw into gold.
We talked for a long time about putting a chunk of our upcoming tax return towards diagnostics/treatment, but that's not really our plan anymore. We've got family to talk to a bit soon, and then we'll start more officially moving forward with our plans. I know, I know, BEING OBTUSE BUT PROBABLY OBVIOUS. But we have student loan debt to consider, along with a mortgage, and while we have really awesome credit, we want to be wise with the way we get into debt. And gambling is low on the list of Wants, particularly when one -- one -- IVF attempt is $10,000 -- not counting various doctor appointments, probably driving 4 hours to/back daily to the clinic people around here have used...all for a chance, a gamble, a game that could so easily be lost.
I may not ever figure out what the problem is.
Yeah, of course I'm angry at our capitalist health care system that means this really does come down to "either/or" and "finding out my/his/our problem is not feasible financially for us if we want to pursue other options too". I'm not angry at biology failing us, but I'm sure as hell angry that what comes between me and finding out what's medically/biologically wrong takes money, and that fixing it costs more. America, I'm sure as hell mad at you. (I'm mad at the commercialization of fertility clinics too. And adoption barriers.) Mad at biology, no. Mad at the system, hell yeah. But that's a different kind of anger -- it's a philosophical anger, in place of a deeply-felt physical anger. I feel philosophical anger all the time. But gut-felt anger is different, and to me, that's the negative type of feeling I'm tired of.
So okay. Enough of it. I'm just letting that anger go. yay
Despite all this -- the last 7 years have been wonderful. Brilliant. And I am so very, very lucky for that. Lucky, even for the past 2 years. Lucky that we found out we could go through Hard Shit and be really, really okay together. Lucky that some things we feared would happen didn't happen, even while some things we hoped for didn't either. Now I just need some boatloads more luck for the road ahead.