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Monday, April 29, 2013

Anniversaries, or, I Ramble A Lot


*
You seem like you’re so restless, young at heart

Who gave you reason?

You should be out driving people wild

Who gave you a reason?

Patrick and I celebrate 3 years of marriage this May.  Then there's the HSG test I get to have the same day (thank you, doctors, for pulling that date out of your magical hat), and the fact that we've hit the 2 year mark on this whole trying-for-a-kid thing, which I know is NOT THAT BAD, but still feels sucky.  Then there's the fact that I'm also hitting the 6-month mark of leaving unadulterated, unpretentious fun Richmond for the Blue Ridge Mountains/Southwest Virginia.  I feel like all of these converging "anniversaries" pull me in different directions at once.  Elation.  Joy.  Pain.  Confusion.  Loneliness.  Boot-strap-y-ness.  It's kind of a lot of ~things~ and ~feely-feelings~, you know?

You’re only meant to hurt once in a while

Who gave you reason?

You’re only meant to cry once in a while

Who gave you a reason?

You got a shock to your system

Pull yourself out of it

I know that shock to your system

Knocked your heart right out of sync

I have been trying very, very hard to find the Good in living out here, away from Richmond.  There are times when this is pretty easy.  Take the Greenway for example.  This city has a huge bike path that spans miles!  I can hop onto it and bike to work without fearing bad drivers.  It is gorgeous and lovely.


Then there's the fact that while we live in a tiny tiny tiiiiiny cottage in which we are just ever so slightly cozy-cramped, we live on a lovely little hill in the trees and when I walk the dogs, this is what I see down the street:


Then there's my job, which rocks, and the people I work with, who are also great, so I can't complain there (which is good, since it would have sucked to move for a job and then hate it!).  Day to day, I've got it pretty damn good.  I get to teach people things and learn and be a nerd without selling anything.  

What you are
What you are
What you are
What you are

What you are is lonely

Of course, there are times when it's harder to find the good.  There have been times when loneliness strikes like a deer bounding into a lane (because I see the signs, I know it's going to happen, but when I suddenly feel despair over not being close to people, I'm surprised and swerve all the same)...plenty of times I've wanted to fall back into familiar patterns with friends, to go to a kickball game or meet at the Byrd, to pick back up where I left that life off.  But, it's gotten better the last two months-ish.  Much better, in fact.  

The most difficult thing about moving here has been the lack of young-ish people -- this city is a HUGE retirement city (it's in the top 10) and even going to UU and Secular Humanist groups has resulted in simply meeting a lot of much, much older people, and occasionally people with kids (even they seem to be in the minority compared to the older population at these groups).  Older people are great, but I don't see us calling them to hang out at a BBQ, you know?  Oh RVA, you and your hipster young professional population, you were a treasure trove!  SWVA young people who aren't college students anymore but don't have a gaggle of cute organic free-range kids where are you hidiiiiiiing?** 

You must rely on love once in a while

To give you reason

You must rely on me once in a while

To give you a reason

You got a shock to your system

Pull yourself out of it

I know that shock to your system

Knocked your heart right out of sync

Leaving RVA was a shock of cold water that I never really saw coming, even though I probably should have.  Dealing with infertility was a train I did not hear on the tracks.  But right now, even though I have a not-dreadful-but-not-particularly-pleasant appointment on our wedding anniversary (so, you know, no pressure to not ruin the day with bad news, right?) I feel tremendous joy and love thinking about the 7+ years we've spent together, and about the years we have ahead of us with the little farmette we want to start and the hipster-mini-farmer life we will build here.  I am trying to cultivate those feelings of joy and love, to pull myself up and out of it and rely on them rather than letting my fears and occasional sadness buoy me, because those feelings make really, really shitty life rafts.  Love seems to work better.  I'm trying to let it knock my heart back into sync.


It may also help that I have tickets to see David Sedaris in RVA come October, so there's a mini-vacation in my future.  Also, I have every intention of hanging out on the James this summer, because some things you just can't give up entirely, even if they mean driving 3 hours to do it.

~*~


*Also, as an added PS, can we talk about the perfection that Heartthrob is?  I've been belting it non-stop.  It's like the perfect blend of 80's and now, and the lyrics are just like a quiver full of sharp little arrows.  It is perfect.  Amen.

**This gets sticky too, of course.  One doesn't want to congregate solely towards people without kids.  Balance is important.  On the other hand, we *do* need friends without kids, too.  But then, we're not in young-party-hardy mode either like 99% of the time, so again, it's just a matter of finding where on earth our people are hiding.  I'm getting there and I realize these things take time and gumption.  I am in fact making progress.  :)

2 comments:

  1. Happy Anniversary!! I hope the HSG reveals only good things (as in, a healthy, perfect ute) and adds to your celebratory mood. Two years is long enough, and sucky enough - I get it. But it seems that you have much to look forward to.. David Sedaris and your farmette are pretty amazing prospects. Just sayin'.

    Also, I had a phase of listening to Closer from that album on repeatrepeatrepeat a while ago.

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    1. I'm actually hoping I get an answer like, oh, your tube's blocked, that's your problem! I'd much rather have an answer that tells me what's wrong, than to be told everything's fine, keep guessing, you know?

      Closer is SO GOOD. ALL OF THEM. SO GOOD.

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