|Everything Is A Cycle by Teagan White|
Me: [filling out forms, writing down meticulously averaged length of cycles, thinks, makes a note after the weirdly precice decimal-included number] *This range is averaged from 25 cycle/715 days of data.
OBGYN later: I thought it sounded like you might be having some trouble when I saw that note.
Hitting the two-year mark of charting (ok, I'm a few days shy, but who's counting?) (that was a joke) is kind of nuts, in my opinion. So let's talk about it. (AKA, hold on while I pontificate!)
The trouble with charting is that it is helpful and crazy-making, but for people who are drawn to charts & graphs like me, it's not something one can just...give up. Seriously, if you've been charting for what feels like forever -- your mileage will vary, for me hitting 2 years feels like forever, but I'm impatient -- and feel like you're going a little crazybonkers, then this article about how to track your cycles and chart your fertility without going super insane is a nice one. So there's that.
But then, it's not really the charting that's making me feel crazy. I feel like I'm pointing at the charting because it's an obvious crazy-maker, but it's not really the culprit. For my particular situation, the charting only tells me that everything looks like it should WORK. It's really not telling me much I don't already know. The charting isn't what drives me nuts, it's just an easy target when the larger things are much more complicated. Saying 'This stupid charting, omg trying to wake up every morning at the same time without being ~disturbed~ prior is insane-making when it's not bringing any tangible result' is easier sometimes than admitting that this entire process makes me feel incredibly defeated.
BUT: Someday, all of this will be a memory, no matter how life ends up. Everything is a cycle. And just to be clear, it's not that I *want* to obsess over this issue constantly, but the nature of the issue practically prescribes obsession; there seems to be no happy middle ground. Either you get the data and start trippin' trying different things, or you don't and you don't ever get a family (because with our batting average the magical mystery miracle seems far-fetched). Or you go a little batty and still lose, there's that. But the way the options stack up, choosing the crazy path wins every time.
And of course, the obsessive data-tracking means every time it's like, maybe-maybe-maybe, a sort of amnesia, a forgetting. Sometimes I'll Google some random "cd 26 [symptom]" and find I've searched that term before in my history. I'm brilliant. I catch on quick. Uh-huh. But, everything is a cycle, and someday this cycle will end. (Preferably the way I want it to, because that's how life totally works, ha ha.)
I sound really cynical and I'm sorry if this blog is a total Cirque du Sads, but I'm mostly just treading water, whistling along and humming randomly and trying to figure and think it all out in this strange ocean. Blogging is my pair of inflatable floaties. As my Spanish teacher used to say incessantly over and over, sink or swim, you sink or swim. I like to think I haven't sunk yet.