Warning: rambling pouting ahead.
I've been quiet on Internetland, or at least as quiet as I ever get (which isn't really all *that* quiet, but more quiet than usual) mainly because I'm still reeling a little in the wake of the whole "oh, no, we can't approve your adoption application, and a social worker won't approve you either, not with that student loan debt damaging your net worth" business. I'm not over it.
All my life, I've gotten the "look, student debt sucks, but it's manageable, and you pay it off in ten years, and you move on with your life better for it in the end" story. I've gotten some scholarships, though nothing HUGE, so I have debt, and my husband has debt. But we were always on the line of "this debt is worthwhile, because nobody can take your education from you" -- but now? I feel lied to. But of course along with feeling a bit betrayed, I feel stupid, because of course that kind of debt is a big deal. And anybody who tries to tell you differently is either full of it, or has never been denied something because of it. Directly denied, I mean; not "I can't afford going out for dinner this week because I have to pay my student loan on the 19th" -- I mean being told no, you're not allowed to parent a child this way, move along until you're 37 and try again then, that kind of big fat stupid NO. And it could be that not all adoption agencies will say that, but the answer we got about social workers not passing us based on that sure makes us feel like the door is closed.
It feels stupid to complain about it though, because it makes sense. It just sucks. It sucks to be told you're not adoptive parent material because of your student loans. And of course, nobody can take your education from you -- you don't get a return receipt.
Not that I would.
I don't think.
I'm sure in time I will get over it. We may apply again, if we can dig more information about of agencies prior to applying regarding that stipulation. And I know the be-at-peace answer is to start embracing the "yes" things that have happened in life rather than the long string of no's.
On another note, Prague offers IVF for about half the cost of doing it in the US. Including airfare. (This article talks about costs and "story of one man who found it cheaper to fly to Belgium and have his hip replaced there, than to have the surgery performed in the U.S." and so on...the same goes for IVF.) So at least if I have to spend two weeks getting shots, I'll be in Prague. The downside is that I'd be in Prague, and stuck getting shots and not wandering around freaking Prague. And if it fails....I was in Prague, at least. Of course, it's not like I'm planning on going next week or anything. But at least it's an option, maybe. It isn't a no yet.
The IVF benefit seems to be that it might be less of a pain in the ass than adoption, that's a needles/shots joke there by the way. It's such a leap of faith. But, as with a lot of things over the past two years, what I want is not on the table. Adoption seemed like a surer thing, and that was wrong, so maybe I'm wrong about IVF being less sure -- or maybe it is exactly the gamble I see it as. What is on the table is....what is. So......yep. I'll take Prague, I guess. If the new doctor thinks it's a viable option...it's been two and a half years, almost; rahhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhhhh.
I have no real point to this post. Sometimes the answer is no, and no, and no. And I am trying to deal with that with grace. I am trying not to hold a balloon-filled pity-party in my head all day, every day. I am trying not to view the people in my life who are pregnant as players in some zero-sum game, and I hope I do this without it showing on my face, because I feel like a big fat jerk a lot of the time. I want to be an aunt who loves her future nephew without constantly thinking "why aren't you mine, dear little one?"
I am trying to hold onto the fact that this could all end abruptly; that I got pregnant once dammit, I could get pregnant again. Of course, the downside with infertility like this is it dangles that freaking carrot again and again and again. I would just like my life to not revolve around this, and it seems like making that happen is getting harder, and having one's whole life orbit around fertility is kind of depressing as hell, because it seems so shallow, yet that's such a basic primal thing, right? It's boring and mundane and hardly constitutes as suffering, yet it feels like a constant grinding down. This doesn't define me as a person, yet why is my personal blog about almost nothing else?
“Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door.” -- Emily Dickinson
So, carrots or not, I'm trying to be graceful in the way I deal with this. I am opening the doors and being open to things like IVF or whatever. Being open to not scowling at pregnant people. Honestly, I think I fail like 60% of the time, and the remaining 40% feels pretty botched too, but that's what I've got. I am trying to respond to the "no" answers in my life with deep breaths and not too much in the way of throwing things. Although if anybody knows of a place where you can go to smash glass bottles and just walk away, let me know, because that will be my next vacation destination. Do those places exist? Resorts should get on that.