Sunday, September 15, 2013

The in-between

There are just so many what-ifs in all of this.  What if it doesn't work and we have to continue to rent forever and end up with empty arms in spite of it?  What if we conversely end up with twins (because yes, but oh god)?  What if I miscarry again?  What if I take all these meds and then there's bad weather and somehow we can't make it to Brno?  What if my passport picture isn't good enough for the passport to be renewed (I got the new picture taken at the passport office so you'd think I wouldn't worry about that, but it's cropped so closely directly at the bottom of my chin that I'm like OH GOD WHAT IF THAT MATTERS), or it's late getting to me?  I've already had to deal with the hassle of getting my Czech Rx filled, since the discount online medication site doesn't take international prescriptions, so I'm finding out tomorrow just how much this is going to set me back.  What if it's more than we think it will be?  Much more?

All I can do is try to be positive.  It's really all I have.  Take vitamins and be positive, because the only alternative is gnawing despair and fretting and quiet rage.  So Patrick and I bake apple pie and look forward to teetotalling it for all of October (hopefully beyond...) and I spend my Friday nights mucking out stalls in a barn, which is (next to acupuncture) one of the most relaxing things on the planet, believe it or not.  Because I am a weirdo.  Or not.  Everybody knows horses are peace (until you fall off).


There's so much to fret about that at this point, I'm trying to just ignore the possible cloud of worry which has the potential to grow and fill the entire universe, and instead be positive, because the other option (IMPENDING DOOM, PREPARE THYSELF FOR DESPAIR!) is simply not appealing.  We've got about a month to go, so we're in that in-between time of trying to figure this all out before we actually do it.  And I really don't want to spend that time being the soothsayer of doom to myself any more than I am already.  Imagine that.

I'm not sure what the point of writing all of this down is, sometimes.  But it's here.

This is my one little life, and I refuse to give up on this without a goddamn hell of a fight.  So call me tomorrow, pharmacy, and tell me how many thousands this Gonal F and all that is going to cost me, and I'll rage, and then we'll figure this out and do this.


  1. Holy moly, I feel liike I've missed something here! As in, you're going to the Czech Republic to do IVF! I am so excited for you.

    Staying positive (well, kinda) and taking vitamens is where I'm at too. I feel so powerless in all this, and so anxious every time I think about the actual numbers of IVF in our circumstances and the possibility for a healthy pregnancy...So I'm focussing a ton on healthy living right now. Lots of yoga and meditation, and eating crazy amounts of avocado and nuts and other good stuff.

    I hope you'll be teetotalling for a long nine months too :)

    And I love Calvin and Hobbes.

    1. We are! It turns out it's massively cheaper to do treatment over there, even factoring in travel expenses, which are ok since we could really, really use a trip anyway. :) Thank goodness avocados are good, because they are THE BEST.

    2. I know! That whole part of Europe seems to be big on the affordable IVF front. Before we realized we'd get our IVF covered here in the UK, we looked at Czech and Hungary because my husband is from Vienna and we could have just gone to stay with family and done all the cycling as day trips. As I was researching I heard really good feedback from couples who had been to one of the two countries, and with the low costs involved, it always amazed me that more Americans don't choose that route. (It would make IVF a possiblity for couples who would otherwise simply have no means to pursue it with astronomical fees in Canada and the US.)

      I think what you're doing is awesome - the time away and getting to hang out in a cool country doesn't hurt either, right? I really hope it works for you!

      And yes to avocados! I've been so much enjoying finding new ways to put them in EVERYTHING. Avocado fudge brownies anyone?

  2. I just want to say thanks for your honesty and for sharing your struggles. I hardly ever comment, but I love reading your posts. Your words really encourage me. And it's really helpful to hear how other people deal with disappointment and fighting off despair (not that I hope you will stay in that place, but you know what I mean...)

    Wishing you the absolute best! The Czech Republic is really beautiful :)

    1. Thank you! I think one of the things that tends to get me through is remembering that depression/anxiety/despair lies (, and distorts things sometimes. Not only in extreme ways, but in little ways, too; sort of like missing the forest for the trees, that sort of thing. I'm also very lucky because I know serious depression runs in my family, so I can...tend that flock of my life-sheep carefully, if you will.

      Wishing you the best, too.