Thursday, November 21, 2013

Grateful; Gaurded; dot dot dot

At first, the test looked negative. Then it changed and was positive. The first time I had a positive pregnancy test, I felt a shock of excitement. This time, I felt literally nothing as the test ran the gamut between negative and positive. How terrible is that? I am so very guarded.  I'm honestly not sure it's real.  Hell, it very well may not be, but this is the furthest I've gotten in two years since the last go-around with a positive test.

 Funnily, it doesn't really matter to me that much if people who know I was doing IVF know the result.  I mean, it's not a typical situation -- certainly not facebooking it by any means but not hiding from certain audiences.  I don't feel up to going radio-silent for a couple months, and the way I see it, since I've already experienced loss, at this point, I give fewer fucks because at this point, if people know about the IVF they know something's up.  But I still feel awkward saying it was positive, and find myself adding hastily that I got this far once before, too, so dot dot dot

 I am so so so happy -- we both are. But, we are guarded. We still say "if this works" because this is still really new, we guardedly discuss the names we've been set on for years exactly the same way we did before it looked like a definite possibility, we email parents with tentative good news (apologizing for a lack of surprise Christmas ultrasounds or those other cute ways new expecting parents break the news according to Pinterest, explaining we didn't want to leave them hanging, but that's all we know so far, and that no updated news until the ultrasound in two weeks is good news, etc -- are we bad children?  To not even *call*?  And yet, it doesn't feel real enough to warrant that kind of formality -- we're not a big phone-chatty type of family)...

We don't quite trust anything. I think it worked. The tests say it did.  That should be enough to get excited about.  I didn't believe we'd even get that far.  A confirmation ultrasound is in two weeks (I had to tack on some extra days since my doctor is on vacation because of course -- and since they didn't send me for blood tests, I have no comforting rising betas to make me feel better in the meantime).

We are guarded with our joy, and so thankful, to everyone for their support and love.  Guarded joy is still very much joy.  Just the careful sort.  As Florence and the Machine put it, I'm always dragging that horse around.  But at the same time...I'm thrilled, and hopeful, and all of those things, too.  It's messy.  In a good way, for now.  There are still maybes.



  1. Yes, messy and guarded and and and... WONDERFUL! AMAZING! So so so happy for you, I might have just let out a little squeel here. I do get the caution and the not wanting to shout about it. Hell, I'm still there myself at the tail end of the first trimester. And it was many weeks before I could say 'I'm pregnant' (even to myself), rather than just 'I've had a positive pee stick'.

    I know you'll be anxiously counting the days 'til that u/s, and I'm sending SO many good vibes your way until then, for this positive to grow and flourish and to feel more real as time passes. (We didn't have betas either, because it's not really practice here in the UK, and while I would have maybe liked that extra reassurance, I know it could also have been one more thing for me to google obsessively.)

    Today, you're pregnant! :)

  2. !!!!!!!

    Oh, those long long days between the positive pregnancy test and the doctor's appointment...

  3. Oh I am so so so happy ! I was waiting / hoping you would want to share your news, while also understanding wanting to keep them for a while.
    If it helps you feel better, we also did not get any beta blood testing. But, if you keep doing pregnancy tests every few days you can see them getting darker, or you could use the digital ones with the date. (but that has the potential of being crazy making and it is not a reliable or scientific method at all....). As the box says, 2 lines are 2 lines. Our line was kind of light and faint. It does not matter, it matters that it is there.
    And right now, there is a little life in you. I will be praying that it makes it for many more days.
    I know those weeks until the first , and then second, and then further ultrasound are like walking on needles. But just trust. Take it one day at a time. And guarded joy, is still joy. We are so so thrilled for you.
    (BTW I haven't managed a facebook announcement either... not per se. I told people privately , and our parents since the beginning, knowing we would keep them informed no matter what. Just per lately I put a picture where you see I have a belly and people noticed, but I could not make myself say it on a status update).

  4. I have chills and am actually welling up. This makes me so happy. Oh please, oh please, oh please. I assure you I will be on tender-hooks for the next while, but holy shit Yay!!!!

  5. Just catching up on blog-reading, but I wanted to chime in to say all the best wishes for a good doctor's appointment this week :-) Sending all the good vibes I can you way!

  6. One of the many, many evils of infertility is the loss of innocence when it comes to pregnancy - we know all the bad shit that can happen. I've never seen those two lines myself, but I feel like I can relate to your feelings. After all this time, could it possibly be real??

    I am sending so many good vibes your way through the internets right now. <3