Thursday, November 21, 2013
Grateful; Gaurded; dot dot dot
At first, the test looked negative. Then it changed and was positive. The first time I had a positive pregnancy test, I felt a shock of excitement. This time, I felt literally nothing as the test ran the gamut between negative and positive. How terrible is that? I am so very guarded. I'm honestly not sure it's real. Hell, it very well may not be, but this is the furthest I've gotten in two years since the last go-around with a positive test.
Funnily, it doesn't really matter to me that much if people who know I was doing IVF know the result. I mean, it's not a typical situation -- certainly not facebooking it by any means but not hiding from certain audiences. I don't feel up to going radio-silent for a couple months, and the way I see it, since I've already experienced loss, at this point, I give fewer fucks because at this point, if people know about the IVF they know something's up. But I still feel awkward saying it was positive, and find myself adding hastily that I got this far once before, too, so dot dot dot
I am so so so happy -- we both are. But, we are guarded. We still say "if this works" because this is still really new, we guardedly discuss the names we've been set on for years exactly the same way we did before it looked like a definite possibility, we email parents with tentative good news (apologizing for a lack of surprise Christmas ultrasounds or those other cute ways new expecting parents break the news according to Pinterest, explaining we didn't want to leave them hanging, but that's all we know so far, and that no updated news until the ultrasound in two weeks is good news, etc -- are we bad children? To not even *call*? And yet, it doesn't feel real enough to warrant that kind of formality -- we're not a big phone-chatty type of family)...
We don't quite trust anything. I think it worked. The tests say it did. That should be enough to get excited about. I didn't believe we'd even get that far. A confirmation ultrasound is in two weeks (I had to tack on some extra days since my doctor is on vacation because of course -- and since they didn't send me for blood tests, I have no comforting rising betas to make me feel better in the meantime).
We are guarded with our joy, and so thankful, to everyone for their support and love. Guarded joy is still very much joy. Just the careful sort. As Florence and the Machine put it, I'm always dragging that horse around. But at the same time...I'm thrilled, and hopeful, and all of those things, too. It's messy. In a good way, for now. There are still maybes.