Wednesday, December 18, 2013

An interview with 2013

Oliver Shilling

An interview with 2013

Me: So on a scale of 1 to 10, how do you feel you did this year?

2013: I gotta tell you, I came in with a clear goal, to fuck you up hardcore, and I have to say at the risk of sounding like a braggart, I think I did pretty well.  So, an 8?  I still feel like I can do better next year so I want to leave room for improvement.  But overall -- pretty good!

Me: Well I don't know about all that --

2013: Oh I did.  All that shit with you moving to a new city without your husband?  Totally got you started on the wrong side of the year-bed there.

Me: True.  That was kind of shitty of you, 2013.

2013: Wasn't it?  God, I'm good.  And then to land you tenants for your house in Richmond who were total loons?  I felt like it was some good icing on the cake, a little salt in the wound of having to leave the house in the first place.  The painting huge Pinterest chevrons in that room in bright teal and pink without permission?  CLASSIC.

Me: I'll give you that.

2013: And the whole husband-can't-find-a-full-time-job-out-here business.

Me: He got a part-time job, and it's pretty good in that he's happy there.  And he gets more than 20 hours in the summer.  Plus since I'm in the library and he's in parks and rec, it's kind of like we're Ron and Tammy.  Except not insane.

2013: Yeah, but you ended up poorer out here than you were back with your old jobs since he's only PT.  Rich, right?

Me: Was that a horribly mean pun about our lower overall income?

2013: Yep.  I'm a jerk.

Me: You try.

2013: I tried all year!  The whole thing of seeing doctors who misread your charts and pushed back tests?  And then that whole adoption application rejection business that tore you up?

Me: I handled it.

2013: You were pissed.

Me: Well sure.  Who wouldn't be?  Look, are you going to spend this whole interview crowing over how you raked me over the coals this year?

2013: I hadn't even gotten to the whole thing where your friends are all hours away from you and you miss them 24/7...

Me: Yeah well no need to remind me of that.  Honestly, there's no need to remind me of half the shit that happened this year.  You made it hell.  But you know what?

2013: What, dollface?

Me: I -- we -- managed to wring out some good anyway.  I'm happier in my job now than I ever was back home.  I miss everyone, but they're still good friends -- the best friends.  And when the chips were down and we needed help to make our IVF trip a reality, they came through in spades upon spades.  No amount of shit you can throw at me can change that, this year, or your reincarnation in 2014.  You threw pile of crap after pile of crap at me, and we just kind of rolled with it.  My husband moved out here with me -- for me.  We made a deal with the tenants and sold the house in record time and even made a profit, which considering this economy and how long we owned the house (2 years-ish) was pretty incredible and allowed us to undergo IVF with the proceeds.  And the IVF worked.  So at this point, you've thrown shit at me, and you can keep throwing it, but I'll just figure it out.  Because that's what you do, and that's what I do.

So 2014, whatever you look like, I'm ready for you.

[Drops mic, walks away from interview]