I feel like I should post some sort of update here, mostly because I don't like to leave things hanging.
It feels like all good things so far. We found a tiny heartbeat a week and a half ago, and I've got another appointment this coming week to see how things are going, but it's all so fucking terrifying, because despite things going right so far, I simply don't trust it at all. I'm not sure what else to really say about the whole situation, other than, things seem good, and yet I'm terrified that at each new appointment, that's going to be the point at which they say, welp, that's it, it's over, 'At least we know you can get pregnant' or some bullshit like that other time.
It seems stupid to feel robbed of excitement, but there you have it. I want to be happy, but I am not; I mean, in theory I would be, if I weren't sure it was going to be taken away any second, every second.
So I'm just trying to not think about it, which is of course completely impossible. I'm terrified at all turns. And of course, I'd feel better if I were feeling sicker, paradoxically. But in feeling pretty ok (aside from basically no longer enjoying food, in an apathetic, abstract way, but not in a I-feel-ill way) I also feel scared that this clearly means something is wrong. It could also be that my recent chronic insomnia is due to this worrying. And thus my lack of appetite. And my neurotic state of being. It's a chicken and egg thing -- is it pregnancy, or is it fear of something going wrong with said pregnancy that's making me feel this way?
At any rate, I want so badly to feel joy and excitement and all those things I hear you're supposed to feel, but in all honesty, fear-of-loss is really the name of the planet I'm on right now. I want a ticket off of this planet I'm on quite badly, but at least it's slightly better than planet-can't-have-a-baby, so I'll just settle in here for a while longer. And hopefully I can get a ticket off of here. The right kind of ticket, I should add. Not the "your fears were well-founded!" type. The "all went fine, you can relax a little now" kind of ticket. It's such a weird in-between; you think it's all going to be ok if you can just get further than you got the first time, but it turns out not really. I want to be optimistic, coming up on week 8, but it's very hard. Harder than I thought it would be. Of course, there's this added pressure, since my very cute little nephew was born last week, and we're spending Christmas with them, so if there's bad news on Monday's appointment, suddenly everything in my world gets shittier and harder, because sometimes things revolve around me in my mind, even if they shouldn't. It's stupid, but if anything's going to go wrong, please let it go wrong after the holiday, at least. Stupid request. Tempting fate. Backspace, backspace, backspace...
Until then, I'll just be here, eyeing the cute baby aisles, but still skirting them for now.