Pages

Saturday, December 14, 2013

This planet I'm on

I feel like I should post some sort of update here, mostly because I don't like to leave things hanging.

It feels like all good things so far.  We found a tiny heartbeat a week and a half ago, and I've got another appointment this coming week to see how things are going, but it's all so fucking terrifying, because despite things going right so far, I simply don't trust it at all.  I'm not sure what else to really say about the whole situation, other than, things seem good, and yet I'm terrified that at each new appointment, that's going to be the point at which they say, welp, that's it, it's over, 'At least we know you can get pregnant' or some bullshit like that other time.

It seems stupid to feel robbed of excitement, but there you have it.  I want to be happy, but I am not; I mean, in theory I would be, if I weren't sure it was going to be taken away any second, every second.

So I'm just trying to not think about it, which is of course completely impossible.  I'm terrified at all turns.  And of course, I'd feel better if I were feeling sicker, paradoxically.  But in feeling pretty ok (aside from basically no longer enjoying food, in an apathetic, abstract way, but not in a I-feel-ill way) I also feel scared that this clearly means something is wrong.  It could also be that my recent chronic insomnia is due to this worrying.  And thus my lack of appetite.  And my neurotic state of being.  It's a chicken and egg thing -- is it pregnancy, or is it fear of something going wrong with said pregnancy that's making me feel this way?

At any rate, I want so badly to feel joy and excitement and all those things I hear you're supposed to feel, but in all honesty, fear-of-loss is really the name of the planet I'm on right now.  I want a ticket off of this planet I'm on quite badly, but at least it's slightly better than planet-can't-have-a-baby, so I'll just settle in here for a while longer.  And hopefully I can get a ticket off of here.  The right kind of ticket, I should add.  Not the "your fears were well-founded!" type.  The "all went fine, you can relax a little now" kind of ticket.    It's such a weird in-between; you think it's all going to be ok if you can just get further than you got the first time, but it turns out not really.  I want to be optimistic, coming up on week 8, but it's very hard.  Harder than I thought it would be.  Of course, there's this added pressure, since my very cute little nephew was born last week, and we're spending Christmas with them, so if there's bad news on Monday's appointment, suddenly everything in my world gets shittier and harder, because sometimes things revolve around me in my mind, even if they shouldn't.  It's stupid, but if anything's going to go wrong, please let it go wrong after the holiday, at least.  Stupid request.  Tempting fate.  Backspace, backspace, backspace...

Until then, I'll just be here, eyeing the cute baby aisles, but still skirting them for now.

7 comments:

  1. Oh I remember these feelings all too well. It gets better when you hit 13 weeks, and better still after 20, then even better after 25 weeks and with every passing week but fuck I was sure A was going to die every second until he was maybe 3 months old. Like I was so anxious that I actually got prescribed anti anxiety meds which I refused to take because I was too anxious to take them. I bought a fetal doppler which made me feel much better because I could reassure myself between appointments, and as soon as my water broke I had that thing out making sure he was still alive. I wasn't that sick either - just not that into food. That's perfectly normal. It sounds like things are going well for you. Just breathe. Keep breathing. Take long walks if you can. Lay in bed and read books. Watch movies. Veg out. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself through this time. It is certainly not easy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually started reading "The Mists of Avalon" just to have something epic to take my mind off things. Nothing like a trillion-page book... I did get to see the heartbeat again today, which was reassuring, and I got to go back to my regular lady-doctor, who I adore (bright ray of sunshine) who was very nice and understanding about my anxiety regarding miscarriage.

      Delete
  2. I also didn't experience any nausea, and it triggered a lot of anxiety. The anxiety mounted so badly that I started therapy during my pregnancy to help deal with things. It sucks to feel like you're stuck on this boat named "Everything's Wrong" even when the seas around seem to be calm. :( I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    I'm excited and hopeful for/with you! Thinking of you guys always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm trying to keep myself as distracted as possible -- now that I at least got to see the heartbeat for the second time at today's appointment, I can at least go through the holidays without DOOM DOOM DOOM -- well, at least not as loudly, at any rate.

      Delete
  3. Oh, I know what you mean, just take it one day at a time, and try to think positive in between the (very normal) fear. If it is any consolation, I did not feel sick or had nausea at all (which also had me freaking out those first weeks), it does not mean anything, everyone's body reacts different. My main symptom was being tired in the middle of the day, and even then it took me a while (until the feeling went away later) to realize that this might actually be a symtpom (I thought it was just stress manifesting itself this way). The fear does not go away... but it gets better and better.
    Praying for your little one. And yay heartbeat :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I'm definitely sleepy earlier, but my job has also changed in the past two months from staying at one library location to traveling to two different branches a day, sometimes three, so it's definitely wearing on me a little more than my previous one-branch routine! So I keep attributing it to that, when it's probably a combination of the two. I'm just glad I had a good ultrasound today so I can at least enjoy the holidays without any bad doom-y things at the moment.

      Delete
  4. Thinking positive for you xx
    I only just started reading your blog but I can feel your pain (and experienced it somewhat myself)

    ReplyDelete