Friday, March 14, 2014

Figuring it all out

It's odd, in theory this move back to Richmond should be way less stressful than the move here was.  My husband and I aren't going to live apart.  We don't have to sell a house.  We don't have to landlord. And yet, my anxiety is waxing and waning.  I try to be upbeat about it, because I do believe it'll all work out in the end -- worse things certainly have! -- but in the moment it is taxing.

We're very, very lucky in that our leasing company has agree to graciously let us out of the lease we just signed, and they'll even give us our deposit back (in our pleading email to them originally broaching the topic of moving, we flat out said we expected to relinquish that, so it's super of them not to keep it), but we *do* have to pay rent here until they find new renters (fair enough, no complaints here on that front).  But it does put us in a sticky spot of hoping my husband can get his job situation straightened out/nailed down prior to moving, since my job can't really pay rent on someplace here and someplace in Richmond, which would mean living with my parents until he does (if they find renters for this place, all the better, but I don't want to rent a place only knowing what half of our income is coming from, you know?).  So, in two weeks, I have no idea where we're going to be living.  Someplace we find and snag (please tax return, hit our account...)?  My parents?  I love my family, but please no -- being pregnant and living with my parents and my two "little" brothers  -- 23 & 25 -- while my husband and I hole up in a room is not the way I envisioned this part of my life, and it fills me with anxiety to consider it as a very real possibility.  I love my family, I do, but losing my married privacy & freedom to say "fuck" at home & reverting back to living with them is simply not something I want -- would anyone?  Dread isn't quite the right word.  Or maybe it is.  And truly, I know we're lucky to have them as a viable option.  We'd be way more crunched if we didn't, and for that I am thankful.  Truly.

But things might work themselves out just as quickly.  There are several things on the line for my husband, so it doesn't feel dire yet, even though nothing's official, which makes it seem dire in my head.  It is frustrating in that respect, mostly because things just seem to be taking a very long time (specifically drug testing results -- Lab Corps what are you doing?!).  And we have two weeks before it's Move In With My Parents And Siblings time.

And yet, I think back to moving here.  I lived apart from my husband for three months, we were paying a mortgage and a separate apartment rent, we were miserable trying to figure out infertility in the midst of living apart for my job, we were stuck landlording in a shitty situation, we had to throw 2K at our roof a month before selling the was terrible and awful and no good.  This is not that.  It's not a cakewalk, but the outcome is going to be so much better, our lives are going to be happier and less lonely, and we don't have to deal with selling a house, thank goodness.

Admittedly though, I'm a little freaked out, even while I also feel tremendously happy.  I'd just like to know where I'll be living in two weeks!  I had to fill out a form to get my medical records released and I had no address other than my parents to put down for where I'd like them mailed.  I'd like to know if we're going to be broke (husband works PT job) or if we're going to be better off than we were before we left (husband works FT job).  Will we have to live with my parents a week?  A month?  I have no idea, and it's really driving me a little nutty because there's only so much I can do to find those things out.  It's largely out of my control, so all I can do is twiddle my thumbs and hope for the best.

But I don't feel like I'm in the abyss I was in a year and some odd months ago.  This is a speedbump, but we're fixing it, it's just a matter of exactly how.

I just hope they find renters for this apartment.  Or he gets a FT job, in which case we could just pay for both if we had to (and I don't think it would take THAT long to find new renters, knockonwood).

Phew, this post comes across way more downer-y than I feel.  I'm thrilled to be going home.  It's all in the details, and I really am confident they'll get ironed out one way or another.  I am NOT going to be stuck living with my parents, brothers, husband and new baby or something like that.  (For one thing, we can't ask Patrick's parents to watch our dogs that long!  Our dogs don't go to my parents.)  This post comes across all hands-wringing, but honestly I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, confident that hey, I got the job, and that was the hardest part.  The rest will work itself out.

In two weeks, we'll be moving back to Richmond come hell or high water.  Where we'll be then is anyone's guess.

But we'll be together.   And that's something I know now to count as something to be thankful for.  It's not always a given.

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