|Kavan & Co|
I've been waffling back and forth these last few days between feeling really good about things, and feeling a whooooole lot of anxiety. Patrick accepted a part-time job, which would flip to being full-time in July (right before baby Winnie comes) so we wouldn't have much to set aside for me to take maternity leave.
Thankfully Patrick then got an offer for a full-time job that's less retail-stocking and more professional and I am pretty much shaking from relief. They say money can't buy happiness (and I beg to differ, because IVF), but money sure as hell can buy you some stability, which brings a wealth of happiness. Since we so completely gutted our finances to do IVF, this is a light at the end of a tunnel. I'll be able to take maternity leave without us starving! We'll be able to rebuild our savings!
We constantly think back to when we lived in the Fan before we bought a home. It's this golden memory, the bright shining Before We Were Stupid And Bought a House Which Ruined Everything era (look for it in your textbooks, it'll be accompanied by our grinning mugs). We have the opportunity to go back to that much-more-ideal situation. It honestly feels like somehow we've won the lottery. I know the way I talk about home ownership and the way it "ruined everything" and talk of rebuilding finances makes it sound like we foreclosed. On the contrary, we were never late on a payment. But we found out that we couldn't own a home and undergo IVF. It was one or the other. The problem was that we bought the house thinking having kids would be easy at our ages (24 & 26 at the time). DERP.
We'll probably still end up living with my parents for a few weeks (2 or 3 at most, I hope) in April if we don't get this place rented soon, but with the number of showings, it's bound to happen sooner or later. If we have to pay April rent here in Roanoke when we're gone, so be it. At this point, we've been back and forth to RVA so many times that to spend the gas apartment hunting is getting absurd. Better to crash-land with my parents for a brief stint so we can drive around the Fan/Museum District/Church Hill/Maymont and look at places without feeling like it's this or nothing. We need a washer/dryer (MY KINGDOM FOR A WASHER/DRYER), and I desire a porch/balcony situation (less dire, but still). And blessed sweet walkability.
The palpable relief I feel is overwhelming. I can taste it. It tastes like cake and sprinkles and sunshine dust. After such a long time of feeling like everything sucks (husband massively underemployed, facing down infertility treatment bills, living rather isolated, broke broke broke...) it is nice to finally have some things work out for us magically. Or at least they have that potential. I'm sure we'll still be broke sometimes, but this gives us a few more ladder rungs to climb out with.
I know, it's not all magic -- it's hard work, it's drilling interview answers and building up Good Stories night after night before a big interview, it's polishing and polishing and polishing...but it's also good friends who send links to job openings, people who put in a good word, people who looked over my pages and pages of meticulously written-down interview answers (that's how I study -- copious writing & drilling) to give me feedback, it's the English teacher who got me a really good job straight out of college by putting in a good word when the economy was failing all my English major peers because without that massive bump for my resume I would have been working at Best Buy instead of a learning resource center for those years most likely, and sometimes you just get the interview panel when they're feeling good and nobody has a headache, you hit it off, all of that good stuff too. There's a lot of dumb luck, and kindness of others, and the wind blowing the right way and people rooting for me/us, and some hard work. I know it's not really magical, but it seems like it is, because frankly you can do ALL OF THOSE THINGS and still not get the good outcome. I could have failed just as easily, it all could have gone differently even if I did everything on my end the same. So in the end...I just feel immensely grateful. And fucking relieved. Like, I'm proud of my & now Patrick's recent accomplishments, but I know it's hardly just either one of us making it happen, you know? You win some, you lose some (did I mention I interviewed for this job in the same conference room where I totally, totally lost at an interview two years ago? How's that for intimidating?!), you try and try and try some more. And then -- FINALLY.
It feels like putting some hard-sought pieces of a puzzle right where they fit, finally, after the puzzle's been on the coffeetable for ages. It feels like spring might be on its way. In the air, in our lives.
*blorf* That's the hokiest thing I've ever written. Barf-o-rama.