Saturday, June 21, 2014

Control Freak [reposted after I accidentally deleted it]

[ETA: I'm an idiot and accidentally deleted this post.  Apologies to those who were kind enough to leave comments on the original!]

This post is a bit of a buffet of thoughts.  Dig in!  I hear the social media part is particularly control-freaky.  Here's a haiku to sum it up if you want to skip it:

Pregnant forever
I fear losing all control
Ugh Facebook pictures

I feel like time has warped to extra-slow speed at this point.  Up until now, time has buzzed by with ferocity.  Can ferocity buzz?  It buzzed.  I'm sure a lot has to do with SO MANY other changes that have taken place over the past few months.  New jobs for me and Patrick, moving back to our city, all that.  It takes up headspace and is great for distracting.  But now I'm nearing the brink, and it seems like I'm going to be in week 35 forever!  I also feel like my organs have no more space.  Hotel Hayley is FULL.  And yet this half-pint is still measuring small, which means I'm all, GET BIGGER BABY, SORRY RIBS. 

Mostly though I feel like there's this imminent loss of control ahead.  Right now, I get to control everything.  And in just a few short weeks, I'm losing all that control.  FOREVER.

I'm lucky to have a parent who wants to babysit during the day when I'm at work, but it's a constant reminder that there's a huge loss of control there, too.  That I can't just babywear her all day, every day, nestled in our house together.  I get a few weeks.  And then boom.  No more.  And I love my career!  It's not really a question of whether to go back or not, just the simple realization of how HARD this is going to be when it comes to losing that control.  On some level, I just have to accept my baby's probably going to listen to a lot of conservative Christian radio and not be worn all day by me and there will be pictures posted to Facebook when I really want to limit her Facebook presence entirely, etc.   (This sounds like a jab at specific people who might post, but it isn't.  It's just worded poorly!)

At least currently I've been able to keep ultrasound pics private, because I'm the only one who has them (not counting Patrick).  But once Winnie's really here, I have nightmares about getting notifications that 70 photos of Winnie have been added to Facebook.  Blog presence is different in my mind, maybe because while it's more public, there are fewer people actually hanging around here if my stats tell my anything.  I'm the only person who controls what gets posted here, whereas on Facebook, anybody can just post whatever they want!  I wish you could post an image, then set that person's unique features to private, then have it auto-detect anyone else who posts something with that face and block the pictures from being posted.  That has to be a thing that's possible, right?  I assume the second she's born the Facebook and Google drones are already beaming down to gather her vital stats and Apgar scores, so it MUST be possible!  At least if I post something to Facebook, I'm able to limit the visibility, but with other people's Facebook choices, not so much.  And therein lies my discomfort. 

Of course, there are plenty of ways I've given up on controlling things before.  Like controlling Summer and Neville sleeping on the couch.  I gave up trying to control that, because I wasn't around to stop them, and now the couch will forever be covered in dog hair. 

So....that worked out great! 

Note: I'm not saying having pictures on Facebook/social media of your kids is a bad thing.  But for personal reasons, we're just trying to limit the FB craziness.  I'm mostly concerned about other people just being able to post about her without my input/approval, etc.  when I don't know who can see those photos when I'm not the one posting them.  Being a good steward of my kid's online presence is important to me, and we're trying to figure out what feels best for our family, given some things.  No judging on anyone else by any means!  We basically just have to sit down and talk to family openly about not posting to Facebook, but I hate doing that, because....oh, there's control freak Hayley going off again...

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