Friday, June 6, 2014
Jubilant (33 weeks)
I was standing in line at Panera yesterday morning (INTERLUDE: yes, I try to eat local...but I just cannot with the local bakery down the street from the Panera, because despite making the same muffins for YEARS they still haven't figured out a fancy vegan way of making them not stick 50% to the paper -- look, vegan food, if you're local and tasty, FINE. But get your shit together if the only items you're going to bake are going to be vegan)...anyway, I was standing in line at Panera waiting to grab breakfast on my way to work, and it struck me, Keanu-whoah-dude-style, that this isn't going to be so easy in a mere handful of weeks. Like...there's going to be a baby I'm commuting with to her grandma's house before work. I'm going to have to get my shit together and have bagels at home or something, because lugging a baby in and out of a carseat for a bagel seems like waaaay more trouble than it's worth. Even if it's a cinnamon crunch one.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a genius and this is just now hitting me how MUCH the little mundane parts of life are going to change. Of course, I *get* that the Big Stuff will change, that there's going to be a third member of our family, that travel will be harder, that we have to figure out our wills, that priorities will shift, all that. But, like, grabbing coffee on the way to work? It's these little things that just remind me again and again how MUCH is about to change. Everything. And I'm not complaining! I'm just settling into figuring out what life's going to be like, and accepting that I may not have a clue. (Okay, I do have somewhat of a clue. But still! BAGELS. Bagels will be harder!)
Things are still a little weird for my mental space in other respects, too. At work we were role-playing about people with schizophrenia for mental health first responder training, and in groups of three we were supposed to have a two-way conversation with a third person feeding "voice" lines of distrust to one of us (me, in this case) while I tried to maintain a normal conversation. Of course, the person role-playing with me decided that "Oh, you got married recently, are you starting a family soon?" as a normal conversation to play out and I felt my whole body just go flush, like I was reliving this question that's been AWFUL for so long, and luckily I was able to pass off my momentary very-obvious-discomfort with the fact that we were role-playing and I was supposed to be awkward and not really focused. It wasn't even a question for real-life-me, and yet, out of the blue, there it was, posed to "me" and I was just thinking, oh god, please let's not have this conversation. Scar tissue. Minor. It'll fade, I think. There are times when suddenly there's that fresh pang of pain, a quick reminder jolt. But then --
I am so very thankful for this baby. I wish I could convey that, too, in addition to the hike I went on to get her. I don't know if "excited" is the best word. Relieved? Overjoyed? Gut-wrenchingly happy? Excited seems like a word I'd use to describe a feeling about a trip, but this is so much bigger, that the word seems too small. Jubilant, maybe.
Truly, I am happy for all the miracles surrounding this. It sounds so dopey to say it -- I'm not one for #soblessed hashtags and whatnot -- but this whole thing really does feel like a giant miracle. Of course, I'll truly believe it when she's in my arms, but it feels like it just might actually happen.
< / most bloring blog in the wooooorld >
I just wrote most bloring blog.
Ima leave it.