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Sunday, August 24, 2014

When life gives you lemons, make nachos



I have the cutest baby, and also my house is a wreck.  That pile used to be my desk!  What am I doing about it?  Lounging on the bed with my laptop and baby instead.  Sometimes you just have to lean into the mess, right?  It'll get clean again someday.

I started back to work on Thursday which was okay.  On Thursdays my library system is closed at the branch level so librarians have an admin day at our big main branch where we can have our all-day meetings with everyone present.  So as far as transition days go, it was the best choice for a day to go back.  The big main branch is also significantly closer to my parents' house, which made dropping off/picking up Freddie a fairly ok piece of cake (box mix cake if you will).  Friday, however, was a more accurate picture of what the majority of my workdays are going to be like: 5:45 alarm clock (though really I was up at 4 to nurse and never got back to sleep), yet STILL found myself rushing to get out the door at 7 so I could get Freddie to my mom at 7:45 so I could then drive from there to get to work at 9.  It's a driving triangle, with every point 45 minutes away from the other two points.  

I'm driving 90-100 miles a day if I don't make any other stops.  Of course I knew this all in theory before when planning this out, but the functioning-on-4-or-5-hours-of-sleep factor wasn't quite as.....real then.  That commute when you're exhausted and already massively anxious about driving with the baby = perfect storm for a truly beaten-down Hayley by sundown Friday.  

It's tough because right now, most stuff falls to me by default, whether by nature (nursing), geography (commute), or bad luck (I'm having some supply issues, which means Patrick giving the baby a bottle at night isn't a good solution right now). Patrick could take Freddie to my parents in the morning, but somehow I keep thinking this is less than ideal because he has to get to work at 8:30, whereas my job starts at 9, and he'd have to drive with the worst traffic in the morning headed back towards the city after dropping her off, whereas I drive against traffic for all of my morning.  Would him taking the morning drop-off some days wear me out less?  Yes...in theory.  But if I'm already waking up that early, then I come back around to "is it really worth it having two people up this early instead of one?" argument.  So, once again I fall back on me driving being the best option.  He's going to pick her up whenever I'm at the branch that's less close to my parents' house, so that'll be helpful on a two-weeks-on/two-weeks-off schedule based on what branch I'm working at certain weeks.  And he'll pick her up every Tuesday when I work late.  And Thursdays are easier because I'm at the branch that's close to my parents.  

So I just have to keep reminding myself that not every day will be as grueling as Friday was.  I just have to keep remembering that this will get easier.  I will try to trade my car in this winter for something that is a little less scary to drive a baby around in (I have a tiny Chevy Aveo hatchback right now...think Geo Metro and it's pretty close to that; I desperately miss my Volvo station wagon from my college years and want to go back to something like that).  And eventually Freddie's happy/sad mood schedule will shift (I hope).  Right now, she's usually happy during the day, and then epically sad around 7 or 8...so right when I get her back from my mom.  I miss having some time with a happy baby!  So I hope this shifts and I don't just get a sad baby for all the time slots I have her during the workweek :'(  

This too shall pass.  I am so lucky to live reasonably close to family so that my mom can take her during the day.  I know it's quite a shift for her too to suddenly be taking care of a baby all day!  And everyone has been so kind in helping us out and bringing us meals and understanding when I leave a library program craft item in my car by accident because I'm a bit loony right now (see: commute + lack of sleep!).  I know this is a transitional phase right now.  It has to get better.  It will get better.  The problem is that it's very, very hard to see this rationally at 6AM when I've been up for 2 hours already.  

This will pass.  

Until then, nachos in bed with SNL are a great balm.  That's the problem with giving up on regular TV watching.  When I fall off the wagon I fall hard.  Full-on nachos-in-bed hard.  Oh well.  Again...leaning into the mess here!

*snuggles babe*  Worth it.

11 comments:

  1. First off you are amazing. 2nd off: I think you should give yourself permission to make things as easy on yourself as possible. If that means formula sometimes that is OKAY. If that means giving your P a day or two a week to do a drop off so you can get a 30min snooze: sometimes that makes all the difference. The day I finally gave up on pumping enough for Arthur to get through weddings and just started giving him formula on those days instead was the best day of my life is all I'm saying. Parenthood is just juggling things around constantly until you find something that is survivable and then as soon as you do something changes and you have to start juggling all over again. Be kind to yourself. No matter what your baby is blessed with an awesome mama. These first years are tough. It will get better. <3 HUGS <3

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    1. I'm so bummed with the supply issues -- it's not terrible, but frustrating nonetheless to feel like *once again* my body is just Not With The Program! I'm basically pumping enough for her to be fed the next day at my mom's, but not enough to have much of a back supply in the freezer. I guess I just feel like a failure if I outsource a night feed since I'm already not feeding her myself during the day. And I know that's irrational because I'm pumping for her all day even though I'm not there with her physically, and it's not a failure, etc. But I want so badly to make it work that, yeah, I have a hard time letting go and giving myself a break. The other night Patrick gave her a bottle at 4am, but she was still hungry after and that was all the unfrozen milk there was (see: supply issues) so I was stuck nursing her anyway, and the whole sleep-more-while-Patrick-feeds attempt was moot. :'(

      Sigh.

      My birthday is coming up and I plan on buying myself some new clothes though, that's for sure. If I can't bear to change things to make life kinder to my sleep schedule/sanity, at least my wardrobe will be gussied up.

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    2. P.S. Thank you. I need to hear people say to give myself a break. At least it confirms that I'm not being overdramatic and that this does, in fact, sound nuts.

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  2. Also that doesn't sound like supply issues. That sounds like your body is making ENOUGH. Like the perfect amount. Which means that your body is working amazing. It's just modern day necessities for a back supply that is sucking. And I feel that. I was always trying to pump enough for a whole day on top of regular feedings and it was so hard. But I felt like I HAD to do it even though it was making me miserable. I'm guessing that I also felt extra pressure because of my fertility history. Anyways. I don't want to be too pushy, I just worry about you because we're friends and yes that schedule does sound nuts. And you are not failing. Not even a little. And sleep is important, so go on and get as much as you can mama <3

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    1. Well, I'm making enough because I'm taking like 10 fenugreek pills a day + "milkmaid tea" (lol) + Ovaltine + oats. It's just aggravating because I try so hard to do this, and I just feel so thwarted at every turn -- like today at work we were shortstaffed, so I didn't get away to pump the third time until 5pm. :(

      And yeah...I feel like on one hand this is making me miserable, but on the other, throwing in the towel is going to make me equally miserable in different ways, so I might as well soldier on, because either way I'm going to be unhappy, you know? Like, either be frustrated with the state of things, or be deeply irrationally pissed at myself and disappointed in my lack of resolve etc etc etc. I know myself well enough to know how much I'd beat myself up over it. :( It's kind of lose/lose there.

      You aren't being pushy! I'm really really bad at self-care right now (clearly) and hearing that I'm not a total fuckup and things are ok (even when I'd beat myself up over it anyway) is totally appreciated. <3

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    2. You've probably read this already, but I'm just going to leave a link here just in case: http://www.peoniesandpolaroids.com/2012/02/breastfeeding-post.html different circumstances, but some good perspective.

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    3. I love P&P and that post -- thank you.

      This shit is rough.

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  3. I'm just going to second everything Lauren said and reiterate that you are *not* a failure. I always sort of hated it when people said this to me, so I wince as I say it, but don't be afraid to let someone else do something sometimes - even when it doesn't make sense logistically. And also, yeah...you do have the cutest baby!

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    1. Yeah, at a social gathering I once had (literally) one person on one side telling me to do whatever I needed to do and the other telling me but if I couldn't it was okay and it's like.....ugh! I am trying to let Patrick take over things. This morning I basically woke him up at 6:30 when I was getting ready to go take a shower after nursing & pumping and told him I needed him to change and dress her and have the diaper bag packed. Baby steps I guess.

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    2. *do whatever I needed to do in order to bf that is

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