Behold, my cute baby!
She's changing so rapidly -- at 9 pounds (probably 10+ by now, since that 9lbs is from a pediatrician appointment two weeks ago!) she's outgrown her newborn swaddle wrap. Next stop college or trade school or the Peace Corps or astronaut academy or welding class or Google University (I'm assuming this will be a Thing by then...). I just hope she doesn't want to -- shudder -- attend Bing College (GU's rival).
There are some big changes going on at work too, and everyone knows that change is hard, so for the past week that's been weighing heavily on my mind. And then there was the time a few weeks ago when I goofed up (minor mistake, but still) at 4:59 on a Friday, thus sending me into paroxysms of fretting all weekend, because I take pride in my work and lately I've been struggling to function at what I consider to be a decent level at times. While I feel pretty confident parenting (as in, hey, I know nothing [Jon Snow] but I've kept her alive and well this long, so....hey, we're ok!) I feel way more plagued by self-doubt at my job. What if I've forgotten something, what if there are program supplies I neglected to pick up, what if I forget x or y or z. I'm spinning plates. I suspect this heightened career-worry is a survival technique conjured up by my brain, because otherwise I'd be plagued with more worry about getting in the car with her (other drivers are scary!) or staying awake watching her sleep to make sure she's breathing. I guess I'm going to worry about one thing or another at any given moment, but it's heavily tilted towards work, so I hope that levels out soon.
Life is good, but...heavy, weighty, muffled in the fog of new parenthood, and the rest of life just spins about me/us. The angst is amped up when it occurs, but the joy is amped too (her smile, her smile). I feel more balanced than I did a month ago when I felt like I was a star collapsing in on myself at times, so I think things are leveling. But the self-doubt persists. I hope that levels off soon too.