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Monday, September 8, 2014

Weekly typed-over-several-days-one-handed-while-nursing post

It is possible to feel so many things at once.  Sobby rage at pain that won't go away (fuck thrush), exhaustion, and simultaneous overwhelming fullness.  I feel like that fullness, more than anything, is what's keeping me afloat, even when at night I'm in tears (again: fuck thrush).  I'm beginning to balance all of these emotions a bit better.  Two weeks ago I felt like I was falling. apart.  Pain = huge factor there...still is, but the last two days have been better so even while I wait to get an appointment with my midwife *again* it's at least maybe improving?

I digress.  Anyway --

So so much about motherhood has not quite been how I'd hoped (mostly thrush, who the fuck invented this torture??!!) but this feeling of complete-ness has over-delivered on all of my expectations.  I feel like a missing board was nailed into place with the arrival of my daughter.  I feel whole.  And in feeling whole, I feel like the number of fucks I give about other things has decreased and increased.  That is, the stupid shit feels more stupid and 'whatever', and the important shit feels way more important.  I feel freer.  I feel like I want to be better.

Countless times I've read and heard about the overwhelming wave of parental love people feel.  I don't know if this is that feeling.  I think this is separate.  Feeling whole feels less like an emotion and more like a lighter state of being, a different way of breathing and moving.  It's as though a rock was lifted from my chest, or a pebbly choking hazard removed from my throat.  Love is some other thing, something apart.  Not better or worse, it is stitched to this feeling but still is a different patch of cloth.  This wholeness is more about who I am than what I feel, more about me than about us.  I don't mean that in a narcissist way.  Just in a 'I didn't know how broken that Hayley was until she got patched up with that board' way.

I hate to put that kind of 'you complete me' pressure on such a little person.  It's not quite like that.  It's not quite like, well, anything.  This wholeness simply is.

6 comments:

  1. What are you doing for the thrush? Do you and the baby have it, or just you?

    My first baby and I had a three-month struggle with thrush. I suggest the following - use an anti-fungal cream after every feeding. you can by clotrimazole OTC at the grocery store. fluconazole is strongest, but is prescription and has some nasty side effects. Nystatin is prescription and about the same strength as clotrimazole, though sometimes one or the other is more effective.

    you may want to use a nipple shield to temporarily alleviate the pain. i HATE the nipple shield, but it was helpful at the worst point of the thrush.

    i would stop wearing a bra at night. the more hours you can also not wear a bra during the day, the better. change out breast pads every feeding - you may want to use disposable ones.

    if your LO has thrush as well, make sure you complete the treatment, even after the visible signs of thrush have gone away.

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  2. Also, you may want to use vinegar in your laundry. It's apparently effective against thrush.

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  3. I know exactly what you mean, though I also have a lot of unexpected what?!?!?! with parenting. I definitely have a clear priority now. Arthur is my north ;)

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  4. Beautiful. I agree that those are two separate and awesome things. Here's hoping that thrush takes a hike ASAP.

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  5. Wonderfully written! Once Lore was here it was as if she'd always been there, but in a "someone should be in this room but is not" kind of awkward way, and now everything is just more comfortable.

    I hope the pain lets off soon! Lots of gentle hugs!

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  6. Yes yes and yes. (And hope you recover soon from that nasty thrush!)

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