It is possible to feel so many things at once. Sobby rage at pain that won't go away (fuck thrush), exhaustion, and simultaneous overwhelming fullness. I feel like that fullness, more than anything, is what's keeping me afloat, even when at night I'm in tears (again: fuck thrush). I'm beginning to balance all of these emotions a bit better. Two weeks ago I felt like I was falling. apart. Pain = huge factor there...still is, but the last two days have been better so even while I wait to get an appointment with my midwife *again* it's at least maybe improving?
I digress. Anyway --
So so much about motherhood has not quite been how I'd hoped (mostly thrush, who the fuck invented this torture??!!) but this feeling of complete-ness has over-delivered on all of my expectations. I feel like a missing board was nailed into place with the arrival of my daughter. I feel whole. And in feeling whole, I feel like the number of fucks I give about other things has decreased and increased. That is, the stupid shit feels more stupid and 'whatever', and the important shit feels way more important. I feel freer. I feel like I want to be better.
Countless times I've read and heard about the overwhelming wave of parental love people feel. I don't know if this is that feeling. I think this is separate. Feeling whole feels less like an emotion and more like a lighter state of being, a different way of breathing and moving. It's as though a rock was lifted from my chest, or a pebbly choking hazard removed from my throat. Love is some other thing, something apart. Not better or worse, it is stitched to this feeling but still is a different patch of cloth. This wholeness is more about who I am than what I feel, more about me than about us. I don't mean that in a narcissist way. Just in a 'I didn't know how broken that Hayley was until she got patched up with that board' way.
I hate to put that kind of 'you complete me' pressure on such a little person. It's not quite like that. It's not quite like, well, anything. This wholeness simply is.