I keep starting and stopping blog posts. Like, hey, I had something to say...and then I trail off. Truth be told, this post itself will probably only see the light of day after languishing in the draft column forever.
I feel this blanket of indecision these days, largely brought on by questions I don't have answers to -- it's hard to make decisions when decisions aren't yet formed to be made. All my life I've made pretty solid decisions. Things haven't always turned out as planned, but what ever does? The poor decisions we did make, we were able to turn into good things in the end. A bad-decision house turned into the funds for IVF, etc. But it's harder to dwell on hypotheticals. I can make a million decisions in a day, then erase them all. It gets a little tiring.
Sometimes, I sit with my daughter in my lap and think, this is it -- this is the one baby I will have. This is it, this is it, this is it. Not that I want only one -- I want more, for certain. But there's that question of if. It's a drumbeat heartbeat beat of wings, the back and forth of this is it and maybe there's more. Maybe we aren't all here yet. Maybe there's another daughter or son waiting in the wings. It's not a question of acting right now. Just a question of waiting, wondering.
Are we all we will be?
Some days I think we should get a mini-farm, get a horse, let Freddie ride her heart out across fields and in forests, and have the freedom she'll never enjoy in the city because she'll be lucky to walk the dog around the neighborhood alone when she's in high school. Other days I remember I really like being able to pop out and go to a downtown bakery or pub in a few minutes and god, what a bummer rural living is with its lack of immediately available fig-and-cheese croissants and cocktails made by people who aren't me. I remember such suffering! I SOBBED BECAUSE BRUNCH WASN'T EASILY ATTAINABLE for god-sakes. I would do well to acknowledge my known vices and accept that I need to dwell within a certain proximity of them.
Where will we settle? Where will we land? Where will we dig in our heels, dig deep, bury bulbs?
Professionally, I want to learn to do more -- learn to code, or something. But I'm 28 and I feel like my coding time has passed. Like learning Spanish or ASL well, it would have been better if I'd started early, preferably before I could read. Do they make Muzzy for Ruby?
Gotta do more, gotta be more.
Am I all I can be?
*ZNH quote via thevanillabeanblog