Saturday, February 21, 2015

A year of questions

I keep starting and stopping blog posts.  Like, hey, I had something to say...and then I trail off.  Truth be told, this post itself will probably only see the light of day after languishing in the draft column forever.

I feel this blanket of indecision these days, largely brought on by questions I don't have answers to -- it's hard to make decisions when decisions aren't yet formed to be made.  All my life I've made pretty solid decisions.  Things haven't always turned out as planned, but what ever does?  The poor decisions we did make, we were able to turn into good things in the end.  A bad-decision house turned into the funds for IVF, etc.  But it's harder to dwell on hypotheticals.  I can make a million decisions in a day, then erase them all.  It gets a little tiring.

Sometimes, I sit with my daughter in my lap and think, this is it -- this is the one baby I will have.  This is it, this is it, this is it.  Not that I want only one -- I want more, for certain.  But there's that question of if.  It's a drumbeat heartbeat beat of wings, the back and forth of this is it and maybe there's more.  Maybe we aren't all here yet.  Maybe there's another daughter or son waiting in the wings.  It's not a question of acting right now.  Just a question of waiting, wondering.

Are we all we will be?

Some days I think we should get a mini-farm, get a horse, let Freddie ride her heart out across fields and in forests, and have the freedom she'll never enjoy in the city because she'll be lucky to walk the dog around the neighborhood alone when she's in high school.  Other days I remember I really like being able to pop out and go to a downtown bakery or pub in a few minutes and god, what a bummer rural living is with its lack of immediately available fig-and-cheese croissants and cocktails made by people who aren't me.  I remember such suffering!  I SOBBED BECAUSE BRUNCH WASN'T EASILY ATTAINABLE for god-sakes.  I would do well to acknowledge my known vices and accept that I need to dwell within a certain proximity of them.

Where will we settle?  Where will we land?  Where will we dig in our heels, dig deep, bury bulbs?  

Professionally, I want to learn to do more -- learn to code, or something.  But I'm 28 and I feel like my coding time has passed.  Like learning Spanish or ASL well, it would have been better if I'd started early, preferably before I could read.  Do they make Muzzy for Ruby?

Gotta do more, gotta be more.

Am I all I can be?

*ZNH quote via thevanillabeanblog


  1. What's really surreal about reading this post and feeling kind of in the same place is that I never expected to be. If you had told me a year ago that right now I'd be like "Should I IVF? Should I be done?" I would have laughed. Life is ridic. And I'm always wishing for both a country house and city house too (though since I have to choose, I choose city house). For now I'm just trying to enjoy my toddler and not worry too much about what's next. We're good at not worrying, right? RIGHT?!

    1. Life is so ridic. Obviously we just need to purchase our country homes sooner rather than later so we can ~summer~ somewhere. ;) I hate choosing though -- choosing means saying no to one thing, and I want to say yes to everything.

      I linked to this to a friend earlier this week, and while it's not 100% relevant, I feel like the "ghost ship that didn't carry us" is really relevant when it comes to those major life choices, and the regret I fear in the possibility of choosing...poorly (cue Indiana Jones music). is the article, and the first time I heard it (because I audiobooked it) I basically wept in my car.

      And hey, if you fall into the IVF camp, I know this lovely little city outside Prague... ;)

      Seriously though. Life. Ridic.

    2. Okay now I'm crying. THANKS. Haha but seriously this is one of those hold-onto-the-link-for-the-rest-of-your-life articles. Brb, posting to my blog. :)

    3. It's the last paragraph that kills me dead. "I’ll never know and neither will you of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore."

      GOD. Gut punch every time.

  2. I know exactly how you feel and where you are, emotionally. When Ced and Gran were Freddie's age, I felt like I had to stop living, which was and still is a complete and utter fallacy. No, I couldn't pursue my dreams as fast or as rigorously as I could. But I never stopped dreaming. And then I met some wonderful people...including this amazing woman who would later be the best editor I have ever met and my dreams became closer to reality. Take Freddie with you as you chase after your dreams contrails and even catch them. My mother took me with her to George Mason University when she was getting her bachelors degree, and I look back as that being the foundation of my love of learning. Trust me, Freddie will treasure the memories she will have of you taking with her while dream chasing. I'll even buy you both matching nets.