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Sunday, February 14, 2016

Me.

I'm lonely.

In most lives there are periods of feast and famine, and I feel like this is just a lean time.  Parenthood, working full-time, fatigue so that even when there's a chance to go out, I slink back from it.  Not quite connecting with old friends who are at different points in life and there's just less there to connect over right now (though maybe not for always...seasons, etc).  Living far away from women I care about.  No longer working with one of my favorite people who made work not-work.

I'm trying to take some steps towards fixing this slow, dull ache.

It's hard though to realize that oh, this feeling is loneliness.  It's hard to pin a word to it, scribbling a tag under the pinned feeling.  Because loneliness is a hard thing to fix all at once.

This has been sitting with me for a while, via unfamiliarize

“You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.

You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like.

If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.”

- Julien Smith, The Flinch
(Source: wnq-anoymous.com, via trustevery1)

5 comments:

  1. Hi friend. I don't have anything helpful to say, just wanted to say thanks for sharing so openly.

    <3

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  2. I hear this. In my case, it is living in a new(ish) and unfamiliar place that is not particularly accepting of Others, having found myself out of step with people I was once more intimate with as a consequence of some really difficult shit I've had to wade through to get to the otherwise happier place I am in life now, and - not insignificantly - growing into the whole Mom thing. I really like the closing sentiment in that quote: "you must abandon your identity and start again". I think I'm in that transitioning space. It's a messy and often exhausting work-in-progress, and I try to be patient with myself and accept that most days, good enough is good enough.

    Um, I wish I had something wise to say. I wish we could meet up for tea and talk about books and cardigans and parenting girls and other random stuff. But I definitely get it. And I'm sending hugs.

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    Replies
    1. Yes -- life is so messy, and personalities shift and change as we grow...and I'm coming to terms with what those changes mean in terms of life ripple effects.

      I wish we could too.

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